


Saved By The Bell

by IamJohnLocked4life



Category: Saved By the Bell (TV), Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - High School, Caffeine Addiction, Comedy, Drug Use, Multi, Saved By The Bell Fusion, Screenplay/Script Format, Sitcom, Teenlock, after-school special style, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4752290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamJohnLocked4life/pseuds/IamJohnLocked4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As their senior year comes to a close, the Bayside gang reflects on their time together and what the future may hold. But the big question on everyone's mind: who's taking who to prom?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Title Page & Opening Credits

**Author's Note:**

> I am a child of the 80s & 90s, and Saved By The Bell was my after school ritual for many years. In order to do right by the campiness of this slice of early 90s Americana, I realized I had to write it in screenplay format. Zack constantly breaks the fourth wall, talking directly to camera and employing other unrealistic conventions that work in a visual filmed format, but make no sense if transferred to narrative prose. I make some reference to musical cues, camera transitions, and other show elements, but I don't put in every cut or laugh track guffaw. When reading this, I invite you to imagine that every cheesy joke or bit of physical comedy is accompanied by canned laughter, and insults land with "ooooohs" from the audience, for maximum enjoyment. *^_^*
> 
> I made a custom work skin to preserve the screenplay formatting. It is *BEST* viewed in this format, but **if you are on mobile** , you will want click the "Hide Creator's style" button at the top of the page (iPad works if you turn it sideways). I highly encourage you to read it on a full screen if possible!

 

 

SAVED BY THE BELL

“To The Very Best Of Times”

 

by

 

iamjohnlocked4life

 

 

OPENING CREDITS:

THEME SONG

_When I wake up in the morning_

_And the alarm gives out a warning_

_And I don't think I ever make it on time_

_By the time I grab my books_

_And I give myself a look_

_I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by_

 

_It's alright 'cuz I'm saved by the bell_

 

_If the teacher pops a test_

_I know I'm in a mess_

_And my dog ate all my homework last night_

_Riding low in my chair_

_She won't know that I'm there_

_If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be alright_

 

_It's alright 'cuz I'm saved by the bell_

 

_It's alright 'cuz I'm saved by the_

_It's alright 'cuz I'm saved by the_

_It's alright 'cuz I'm saved by the bell!_

[Opening Credits Video](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/128718748625/getting-ready-for-school-to-let-out)

[Main Characters Cast Sheet](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/128198893767/its-september-and-that-means-one-thing-back-to)

[Supplemental Cast: Mrs. Hudson](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/129723975987/this-week-on-saved-by-the-bell-a-special-cameo-by)

 


	2. Act 1, Scene 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a custom work skin to preserve the screenplay formatting. It is *BEST* viewed in this format, but **if you are on mobile** , you will want click the "Hide Creator's style" button at the top of the page (iPad works if you turn it sideways). I highly encourage you to read it on a full screen if possible!

UPBEAT MUSICAL INTRO.

INT. ANGELO'S PIZZERIA, MONDAY AFTERNOON. 

School just let out and the place is hopping. Music streams from the juke box, overlaid by excited chatter and laughter; the buzzing energy of imminent summer fills the air. 

The camera pans over the CORNER BOOTH, where IRENE ADLER, SHERLOCK HOLMES, and MOLLY HOOPER sit. SHERLOCK has his back to the door, and is poring over a stack of papers, skinny shoulders hunched, dark curly hair falling over his eyes. IRENE is sitting next to him, elbow resting on the half-wall at the back of the booth, and speaking animatedly to MOLLY, who sits across from them. The camera continues to pan to the front door, stopping just as it reaches center frame. 

The door swings open and in glides JOHN WATSON, beaming a carefree smile. His blond hair is tousled and his blue eyes sparkle, his easy confidence and laidback demeanor painting the perfect picture of the quintessential California boy. The catcalls, wolf-whistles, and applause of the canned studio audience are well-deserved.

JOHN casually leans against the back of a booth and smiles at camera.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

It's finally here, the last weeks of school — _my_ last weeks of high school — _ever!_  

Bet you didn't think I'd make it — heck, sometimes _I_ wasn't sure I'd make it, but here I am, and boy does it feel good! All that's left now are a few tests and I'm home free, ready to cruise on into summer. 

It hasn't all been bad, and there are some things I'll miss...

JOHN looks over to the corner booth, where MOLLY catches his eye and waves. He tilts his head in acknowledgement, and pushes off from the booth just as SALLY barrels into him from behind.

SALLY DONOVAN

(talking a mile a minute)

John! I was just looking for you, our chem final's next Friday and you left your book back in the lab, and Mr. Anderson said you'll definitely need it if you're going to have any hope at all of passing his class.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

...and some things I won't!

(to SALLY)

No big deal, I'll pick it up tomorrow.

SALLY DONOVAN

Then how will you study tonight?!! 

JOHN WATSON

I wasn't really planning to...

SALLY DONOVAN

John Watson, this is serious! Don't you ever think about your future? I thought you wanted to become a doctor! Don't you think you'll need chemistry for that?

JOHN WATSON

Fine, fine, just relax. Jeez, Sally, you'd think it was _your_ book at the lab—

SALLY opens her mouth to speak but JOHN cuts her off.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

—but of course California would fall off into the ocean before you'd ever forget your textbooks _anywhere_.

SALLY nods, holding her books tightly to her chest.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Hey, if you care so much about it, why didn't you just bring my textbook to Angelo's? You know I'm always here after school.

SALLY DONOVAN

Well... Mr. Anderson kind of wanted to have a talk with you. He said if you were serious about his class, you'd come in this afternoon, and I told him of course you were serious, and I'd get you right away.

JOHN WATSON

Why'd you do that?

SALLY DONOVAN

John...

JOHN WATSON

Don't worry, Sally, I'll go, I'll go.

He brushes past her to the corner booth.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Right after I'm done here. I can't be expected to study on an empty stomach! Basic biology, you've gotta feed the brain for it to work right, and you know what they say, pizza's the most important meal of the day.

As if on cue, ANGELO comes up to the table just as JOHN slides in next to SHERLOCK, and SALLY sits next to MOLLY.

ANGELO

John! My favorite customer!

JOHN WATSON

Aw, I bet you say that to all the cute boys.

ANGELO

No, no! Just the very special customers.

He gestures to the table and gives a wink.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

What can I get for you?

JOHN WATSON

The usual, double cheese— 

He elbows SHERLOCK in the ribs.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Hey Sherlock, you eating?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(without looking up)

John, you know I never eat when I'm on a project.

JOHN WATSON

(to ANGELO)

Make it two, I'm pretty hungry.

He winks at ANGELO, who nods. He knows the game.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Oh, and two sodas too. 

ANGELO

You've got it! Sally, for you?

SALLY DONOVAN

Oh no, I can't even _think_ about food right now. Do you know how many finals I have to study for?

IRENE, MOLLY, & JOHN

(in unison)

Seven.

SALLY DONOVAN

(at the same time)

Seven!

She glares at them, and then opens a book.

ANGELO

Well, good luck! You're a smart one, Sally, I know you'll go on to do great things. 

SALLY DONOVAN

(distractedly)

Thanks, Angelo.

ANGELO EXITS.

MOLLY HOOPER

Are you okay, Sally? You seem... um, a little stressed. 

JOHN WATSON

Sally's always stressed.

SALLY DONOVAN

(furiously scribbling in her notebook)

Am not.

MOLLY HOOPER

Well... then maybe a bit more high-strung than usual?

JOHN WATSON

If she were strung any higher, she'd be at the top of a palm tree.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(without looking up)

John, the etymology of the term 'high-strung' comes from the string instruments, likely the violin or fiddle, as that was the most common stringed instrument in the mid-nineteenth century. On most days, Sally is a high E, in the upper range of tension, but on pitch. Today—

His eyes flick up to SALLY, taking in her frantic scrawling and furrowed brow and a million other minutiae in an instant, before looking back at his papers.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—she's an F sharp.

SALLY DONOVAN

I'll F sharp you, freak.

The insult has no heat; it's an automatic response, her attentions fully absorbed in her notes.

MOLLY HOOPER

(to SALLY)

Well, I just want you to be okay. It's not the end of the world, you know. Just the end of high school.

She gives a nervous little giggle.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

Anyway, we're all going to graduate in a couple weeks. You're already at the top of our class, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

SALLY DONOVAN

Are you kidding? I mean, maybe it's fine for you, with your cheerleading and volleyball, you've already got college scholarships lined up, but I need every bit I can get.

She pauses in her writing and looks up at the table, as if seeing them for the first time.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

I'm not like all of you, I don't live in a fancy home in this fancy school district and summer in Cancun or Provence. I get bussed in every day, and I work every summer and save, and if I study very hard and I'm really lucky, I'll get a full scholarship to Berkley. If not...

She looks down at her books.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Well, let's just say, every AP test I pass means less college to pay for.

IRENE and MOLLY exchange guilty looks, and JOHN opens his mouth to crack a joke and ease the tension when D.I. LESTRADE bounds up to the table, snags a chair, spinning it around and straddling it, scooting up close to SALLY.

D.I. LESTRADE

Hey, Momma, what's shakin'?

SALLY DONOVAN

I told you to stop calling me that.

D.I. LESTRADE

You love it.

SALLY DONOVAN

I couldn't stand it when we were dating, so imagine how much I despise it now.

D.I. LESTRADE

(undeterred)

What's got your panties in a twist?

SALLY shoots him a dirty look, and LESTRADE holds up his hands in mock placation.

SALLY DONOVAN

Oh, nothing, just that we only have three weeks of school left and no one else seems to notice!

She glances over at SHERLOCK.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Well, no one except Encyclopedia Brown over there.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(without looking up)

This isn't for finals, it's a dissertation on the rate of decomposition in various bodies of water based on relative salinity and pH levels.

D.I. LESTRADE

Just a little light summer reading then.

SALLY DONOVAN

Am I the only one who cares at all?!!

D.I. LESTRADE

Relax, Momma. I care. I care that there's only two weeks until prom, and I still don't know who I'm taking!

SALLY rolls her eyes and goes back to her furious note-taking.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, I can imagine it might be hard for you to find a date, with your winning personality.

D.I. LESTRADE

Hey, easy there, Preppie! The problem isn't that I can't find a date, it's that I can't pick between all the options. See, there's this girl I've been out with a few times from Topanga, sweet and classy, we've had a good time. But I just met this babe on the boardwalk last week, Venice Beach type, if you know what I mean.

He raises his eyebrows suggestively. 

D.I. LESTRADE

Very nice... assets.

MOLLY HOOPER

You mean like a trust fund?

IRENE ADLER

No, honey, more like a bust fund.

MOLLY flushes in embarrassment, and oddly, so does LESTRADE.

JOHN WATSON

Right, so, what's the problem?

D.I. LESTRADE

Well, I can't date them both.

JOHN WATSON

Of course you can! Haven't you heard of the area code rule?

LESTRADE looks back at him blankly.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

It's not cheating if they live in different area codes. Topanga's 818, and Venice is 310, no problem!

SALLY DONOVAN

That is disgusting.

IRENE ADLER

Oh, I don't know... makes a certain amount of sense. I mean, how can you be expected to commit to someone you have to dial long distance for?

D.I. LESTRADE

Area code rule, hm... I never heard of it before.

JOHN WATSON

Really? I thought it was common knowledge.

SALLY DONOVAN

Men are pigs.

D.I. LESTRADE

And what does that make Irene?

SALLY DONOVAN

Ms. Piggy?

IRENE ADLER

Well, she does have excellent fashion sense.

SALLY DONOVAN

If the Versace fits...

MOLLY HOOPER

This whole thing sounds kind of unfair to the girls.

LESTRADE runs a hand through his hair and looks properly chagrined.

D.I. LESTRADE

Yeah, you're right Molls. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

IRENE's gaze flits between LESTRADE and MOLLY and she raises her eyebrows, but she doesn't say anything.

JOHN WATSON

Well, do what you like, but they don't call me Three Codes Watson for nothing!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(without looking up)

No one calls you that, John.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, well, the point is, they _could_.

MOLLY HOOPER

(to LESTRADE)

I think you should go with the one you get along with best, like, really enjoy spending time with. I mean, Senior Prom is a big night, you're going to remember it for the rest of your life. You should spend it with some you really like, you know?

D.I. LESTRADE

Yeah...

He's staring at MOLLY in a sort of half-dazed way, eyes going slightly glazed. IRENE smirks and clears her throat. LESTRADE snaps to focus and looks at IRENE.

IRENE ADLER

Yes, D.I., someone you _really_ like.

D.I. LESTRADE

Right. Thanks, _Irene_.

 He leans back and crosses his arms over his chest.

D.I. LESTRADE (CONT'D)

So then, who are you going with?

IRENE ADLER

Hmmm, haven't decided yet. I've been asked by the captain of the football team and the captain of the basketball team — well, and of course a few others but they aren't important. They're both fine, I suppose, but I don't know... they're just so... _boring_. I want someone I can have a conversation with, someone who appreciates culture and good taste. I hear brainy's the new sexy.

D.I. LESTRADE

If you want brainy, why don't you take Sherlock to prom?

He laughs at his own joke, but IRENE turns to Sherlock with apparent interest.

IRENE ADLER

What do you say, Sherlock?

She runs a finger along his ear, and SHERLOCK freezes, but doesn't look up.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Can I take that big, sexy brain of yours to prom?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I'm busy that night.

D.I. LESTRADE

Busy? You're busy on Prom Night with something that's _not_ going to prom?!!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, I'm running an experiment that needs to be tended to at regular intervals, I can't abandon all the work I've put in for some silly show of pomp meant to mask an elaborate mating ritual of which I have neither the time nor the inclination to participate in. 

For a second, IRENE looks like she might pout, but then gets a gleam in her eyes and she edges closer to SHERLOCK.

IRENE ADLER

Well, we wouldn't even have to go to the dance, if you didn't want to.

She plays with one of his curls.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

We could just go to dinner. Talk. I'd _love_ to hear about your experiment. 

She leans in a little more, almost whispering in his ear.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

And then after dinner, we can go back to your place, and you can _show_ it to me.

JOHN WATSON

 _Irene_ , that's enough. He already _said_ he wasn't interested.

His tone is a little too forced to be friendly, his face set in a determined grimace. He doesn't look _angry_ , exactly, but it's a close thing. One might even mistake it for protectiveness. 

IRENE shoots him a glare, but then sees something in his face that makes her sit back.

IRENE ADLER

 _Fine_.

She ruffles SHERLOCK's hair.

IRENE ADLER

Your loss, lover boy.

She props an elbow on the table and rests her chin on her palm, dramatically staring off into space.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

There must be someone out there for me.

The screen goes wavy, as if a pebble has dropped on its surface, and when it refocuses, the edges have taken on a soft pink glow, creating a frame of rosy light. 

IRENE is sitting in a restaurant, dressed to the nines. She looks up from her plate to smile at her date.

IRENE ADLER

So tell me, darling, what do like to do for _fun_?

CUT TO:

STEVE JENNINGS, captain of the football team. He's wearing a tux, and looks quite handsome, in a typical All-American Boy sort of way.

STEVE JENNINGS

Well, you know, I mostly like tossing the ball around with guys, you know? There's nothing like it out there, on the grass, with the guys, it's like... really great.

He flashes her a dazzling smile, all white teeth, and when he winks at her, his pearly whites actually _sparkle_ , with an honest-to-god blinged-out gleam, sound effect and all.

CUT TO:

IRENE, looking unimpressed.

IRENE ADLER

Uh... right. So, when you're not doing sports, what do you like? Like, what interests you, what do you think about?

CUT TO:

BRAD DAVIS, captain of the basketball team. He's also in a tux, looking a little too big for the fit, but handsome nonetheless, if in a bland sort of way. 

BRAD DAVIS

Mostly basketball, strategy, you know. Gotta stay sharp!

He taps his temple with his index finger.

BRAD DAVIS (CONT'D)

Most people don't know this, but there's a lot of thinking that goes into basketball. As the captain, I've got to come up with a plan. Some nights I fall asleep thinking about basketball and then I wake up the next morning with an idea for a new drill, and _man_! I just can't _wait_ to try it out in practice. You might say I'm the brains behind the operation.

He gives her a wink and a smile _identical_ to the one STEVE had, right down to the magical flash of white.

CUT TO:

IRENE, looking bored out of her mind. She's slumped on her hand and looks about ready to fall asleep.

D.I. LESTRADE (O.C.)

Hey, what about me?

CUT TO:

D.I. LESTRADE, also dressed in a tux with his hair styled up, a huge grin plastered on his face.

D.I. LESTRADE (CONT'D)

I still don't have a date for the prom, and _I'm_ the captain of the wrestling team. It's only fair I get a shot!

CUT TO:

IRENE looking disgusted.

IRENE ADLER

Ew, no. You might be captain of sweaty men who roll around with each other on mats, but you aren't even in the same _league_ as these guys.

D.I. LESTRADE (O.C.)

Are you sure? Seems you've already set a pretty low bar.

CUT TO: MID SHOT

We see that IRENE is seated across from all three guys. They are wearing identical suits and identical smiles.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP, FRONT ON, STEVE JENNINGS

The camera pans across the table, from STEVE to BRAD. In the corner of the screen, MOLLY's head appears, surrounded in soft gold light.

MOLLY HOOPER

You're going to remember it for the rest of your life.

The camera continues to pan from BRAD to LESTRADE.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

The rest of your life. The rest of your life.

Her voice has taken on a soft reverb, and when the camera lands on LESTRADE, he winks at it.

CUT TO:

IRENE shaking her head in horror.

The screen ripples again, the pink glow disappears.

CROSS DISSOLVE TO: 

IRENE, still propped on her elbow, sits up and shakes her head. 

D.I. LESTRADE

What about you, Preppie? Who's your date to the big dance?

JOHN WATSON

C'mon, Lestrade, you know Molly and I are part of the Prom Court, we're practically shoo-ins for King and Queen. Hardly need a date, do I? 

D.I. LESTRADE

What, doesn't Molly have a date then too? 

MOLLY HOOPER

(to JOHN)

I mean, if you want to, that would be fine. The whole Prom Court goes out to dinner together anyway, so I guess it just makes sense.

SHERLOCK violently pushes his way out of the booth, the sheaf of papers clutched tightly to his chest. This has the unfortunate side effect of pushing JOHN halfway out of the booth, and he nearly tumbles to the floor before steadying himself with an outflung hand. SHERLOCK half-steps, half-crawls over JOHN's prone form.

JOHN WATSON

 _OUCH!_ Jeez, Sherlock, what the hell?!!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(very quietly and very quickly)

Sorry, John, I'm sorry, have to go, just forgot, important experiment, must check the reactions.

SHERLOCK finally detaches himself from the tangle of booth and limbs and scrambles to the door, fumbling for the handle amidst his haste and the armful of papers, his feet sliding on the floor as he struggles until he finally flings the door open, tumbling through and off camera. The door swings shut behind him.

JOHN WATSON

What was _that_ all about?

IRENE ADLER

(archly)

Yes, I wonder _what_ it could be?

D.I. LESTRADE

Ah, you know Sherlock. He's always like that. 

JOHN WATSON

I suppose so...

ANGELO

I hope you're hungry!

He plunks down a large plate with two gigantic slices of pizza in front of JOHN, quickly followed by two large soda fountain drinks, one with two cherries speared on a tiny plastic sword.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Extra cherries on the cherry soda, just the way Sherlock likes!

He looks next to JOHN, for the first time noticing the vacant spot in the booth.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Hey, what happened to Sherlock?

JOHN WATSON

He had to go, some 'very important' experiment.

He's going for snarky, but he still looks slightly confused.

D.I. LESTRADE

Sweet, free pizza!

He snags a piece and takes a big bite. He picks up the glass with the cherry sword, and raises it to JOHN in mock toast, then takes a big swig.

ANGELO

That's too bad. That boy gets skinnier every day.

He claps JOHN on the back.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Good thing he has you to feed him up from time to time, or he really would waste away to nothing!

JOHN WATSON

Yeah.

He looks down at the slice of pizza left on the plate, and then up at camera.

JOHN WATSON

(glumly)

Somehow, I don't feel that hungry anymore.

MINOR KEY MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for funzies: [Steve Jennings](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Jennings_\(footballer\)) is an English pro-footballer (or 'soccer' for us Yanks) and [Brad Davis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brad_Davis_\(rugby\)) was an Australian rugby player (and now coach). I liked the idea of all-American sounding sports names being affiliated with non-US pro sports *^_^*  
> I'm having a ridiculous amount of fun writing this silly little fic!
> 
> Also, I realized I am envisioning pilot!Angelo rather than ASiP!Angelo as I write this fic.  
>   
> I don't know if that makes a big difference, but it definitely influences how I write him, so I figured I should note it. To me, pilot!Angelo **IS** Angelo, in part because I prefer [his interactions with Sherlock](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/133851062202) in [the pilot](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/133851139677/silverdreaming-best-sherlock-unaired-pilot) to ASiP, and in part because I've seen the pilot so many more times than ASiP.


	3. Act 1, Scene 2

FADE IN:

INT. MR. ANDERSON'S CLASSROOM, WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

It's a typical day in AP Chemistry. The lab tables at the back of the room are set with the materials for the day's experiment, but the students are sitting in their desks, listening to MR. ANDERSON's lecture. Well, _mostly_ listening. JOHN WATSON is dozing in his chair, head propped up on an elbow, dead to the world. The camera pans across the room to land on MR. ANDERSON, who is gesturing to a wall covered with a mishmash of papers, notes, and oddly enough, string?

MR. ANDERSON

So a Lewis acid connects with a Lewis base to form a Lewis adduct, in the form of a covalent bond. So... Ms. Hooper, what is a Lewis pair?

MOLLY HOOPER

Uh... Clark?

MR. ANDERSON

I believe you're confusing this class with American History, Ms. Hooper.

MOLLY blushes, and sinks back into her chair. SALLY, seated front and center, has her hand raised and is eagerly waving it back and forth.

MR. ANDERSON

(with a sigh)

Yes, Ms. Donovan?

SALLY DONOVAN

Lewis bases donate a pair of _electrons_ to a Lewis acid to make an adduct. 

MR. ANDERSON

That's right. The base is a nucleophile, and the acid is an electrophile. Can anyone tell me what electrophile means? How about... ah, Mr. Watson.

JOHN is still fast asleep in his chair. MR. ANDERSON clears his throat, but receives no response.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

(louder)

Mr. Watson?

SHERLOCK, who is sitting behind him, shoves JOHN's chair with his foot.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(stage whisper)

_John!_

JOHN jumps to attention, body on auto-pilot.

JOHN WATSON

Sir, yessir!

MR. ANDERSON

Any day now...

John's face is red, now awake and aware enough to realize what he just said.

JOHN WATSON

Uh... can you repeat the question?

MR. ANDERSON

(losing his patience)

Anyone care to help Mr. Watson out?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(bored)

Electrophile, from the Greek _phílos_ , literally translates to electron lover—

IRENE ADLER

OooOOOooh!

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—it means an atom or molecule that attracts electrons.

IRENE ADLER

Mmmm... and what attracts _you?_

SHERLOCK ignores her, but JOHN shoots IRENE a dirty look.

MR. ANDERSON

...and by attracting a pair of electrons, the acid's lowest unoccupied molecular orbital is bonding with the... Ms. Adler?

IRENE ADLER

(still staring at SHERLOCK)

HOMO.

SHERLOCK turns sharply to IRENE, a bright red flush spreading across his face.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Highest occupied molecular orbital.

She flashes SHERLOCK a wicked grin, then looks up at MR. ANDERSON with wide-eyed innocence.

IRENE ADLER

That's where the lone pair of electrons are on the base, right?

MR. ANDERSON

Correct. Glad to see _someone_ back there is paying attention.

(turning back to his wall of notes)

For today's experiment, we will be creating covalent bonds in Lewis acids and bases, and then testing them with these—

He whirls around and brandishes a strip of litmus paper from his shirt pocket as if executing a magic trick. The class is appropriately unimpressed.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

—to determine the overall pH of the final reagent.

He grins expectantly at his students. The class stares blankly back at him.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Well... get on with it! 

The students grudgingly get to their feet and make their way back to their lab stations.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Not you, Mr. Watson. I'd like a word at my desk.

JOHN exchanges a look with SHERLOCK, who shrugs and heads back to their station. JOHN rolls his eyes and reluctantly meets MR. ANDERSON at the front of the room.

MR. ANDERSON

I believe you forgot something the other day.

He gestures to his desk, its surface also strewn with papers and notes, where JOHN's textbook sits on top of a stack of files. JOHN makes to grab for it, but MR. ANDERSON slams a hand down on it, leaning on his extended arm.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Just a moment, Mr. Watson. We need to talk.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

Just my luck. 

He slumps back against the desk. 

MR. ANDERSON

It must have been difficult for you to study for today's class, not having your book. Tell me, why didn't you come in to collect it on Monday? Ms. Donovan was quite adamant that she would tell you of the urgency, and I doubt that a student of her passion would have let something like that slip.

JOHN WATSON

(flashing his most winning smile)

Well, I knew I'd be back in class again today. Conservation of energy.

MR. ANDERSON

Your performance in this class has been abysmal, especially as we near the end of the school year. I don't think you are aware of how close you are to failing this class.

JOHN WATSON

(soberly)

Well, I don't know if you've heard, sir, but I've come down with a bad case of Senioritis. It could be terminal!

MR. ANDERSON

This is serious, Mr. Watson. If you don't get at least a B on this final, you won't pass the class. Considering your scores for the last few quizzes, a C would be a minor miracle.

JOHN WATSON

Oh, come on, Mr. A. You can't fail me! I need these credits to graduate!

MR. ANDERSON

I can and will. This is chemistry, not a popularity contest.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

No kidding, look at the guy who's teaching it!

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

If you don't pass this test with flying colors, you're looking at summer school.

JOHN WATSON

Wait a second, I've got plans for the summer, and they sure don't involve spending them at school. 

MR. ANDERSON

Science is not a game, Mr. Watson. It does not care about your summer plans. 

(crossing his arms)

Nor do I.

JOHN changes tack, turning up the charm to 11.

JOHN WATSON

Let's be reasonable here. You don't want to spend your summer with me any more than I want to spend it with you. How about you give me a C, and we don't have to _C_ each other ever again!

MR. ANDERSON

Well, lucky for me, I am not in charge of teaching the summer chemistry program. That honor falls to Mr. Holmes.

JOHN glances back at SHERLOCK, who is fully absorbed with measuring out liquids into a row of beakers.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

The _elder_ Mr. Holmes.

JOHN whips back to MR. ANDERSON, horror writ across his face. 

JOHN WATSON

Mycroft? Does he even know how to teach chemistry?

MR. ANDERSON

Mr. Holmes is a man of many talents, with a vast array of knowledge and degrees. I am sure his teaching credentials will be more than adequate to properly school you.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

This _is_ more serious than I thought. If I have to spend my senior summer with Mycroft, I don't know if I'll survive through August! Goodbye surfboards, hello _I'm_ bored.

MR. ANDERSON

I think I've made my point. Go, before you lose any more precious class time when you should be learning _something_ , or at least attempting to.

Face set, JOHN nods, and heads toward the lab station where SHERLOCK is still busy away, fiddling with a bunsen burner.

MR. ANDERSON

Mr. Watson...

JOHN stops, halfway across the room. He turns to look at MR. ANDERSON. 

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

...aren't you forgetting something?

He gestures elaborately to the textbook, still sitting on his desk. JOHN takes a deep breath in through his nose. His face is red, and the muscle in his jaw flickers for a moment. He storms over to MR. ANDERSON's desk and snatches his book from the disorganized clutter, then strides back to his desk and shoves it roughly into his backpack. 

MR. ANDERSON turns to his wall of notes, looks at it speculatively, and adds a red thumbtack to a string in the top right corner. 

Backpack slung over his shoulder, JOHN settles in next to SHERLOCK at the lab table.

JOHN WATSON

(under his breath)

Ass. 

(to SHERLOCK)

He said I might have to go to summer school...with _Mycroft_.

SHERLOCK makes a face at the mention of his brother's name, but doesn't look up from his experiment.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Anderson is an idiot. Why would you have to go to summer school? You have a brilliant lab partner.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, well, can my brilliant lab partner lend me his brain for the next test?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Lend you my brain? You still haven't returned my Game Boy.

JOHN WATSON

Come on, you hit level 20 on Tetris the week it came out, give me a chance! Wait, no, not the point. What I meant, Sherlock, is you need to help me ace this test.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Sorry, John, I don't have time for _high school_ level chemistry. It's mating season in my bee hives. 

He looks up from his experiment for a moment to dreamily stare off into the distance, a sappy grin on his face.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I'm going to be an uncle.

He returns to the vial in his hand, carefully measuring out five milliliters of the liquid into a graduated pipette. JOHN sighs, scrubs a hand over his face, and does his best to hold his temper. 

JOHN WATSON

Well, can you at least tell me what you're doing right now? I don't remember Mr. Anderson saying anything about using our burners today, but I wasn't really following the lecture.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Or conscious for it. And it doesn't matter, I just told you, I don't have time for high school chemistry.

JOHN WATSON

So what—

He doesn't get a chance to finish, because just then SHERLOCK squirts the pipette into the beaker bubbling away over the burner, and the entire experiment explodes with a _BANG!_ into a ball of flames and shattered glass. MOLLY shrieks, students dive for cover, and the room fills with smoke.

JOHN WATSON & MR. ANDERSON

(in unison)

 _Sherlock!!!_  

MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I choose to have my characters struggle with the subjects that I did at school... and then I have to research them for my writing. I apologize if any of the chemistry stated above is inaccurate, I did my best to base it off of AP Chemistry taught in the early 90s. When I came across LUMOs and HOMOs... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Act 1, Scene 3

INT. NURSE HUDSON'S OFFICE, WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

The nurse's office is clean but cozy, the white walls adorned with knitted landscapes in warm wood frames. Handmade afghans are stacked on the shelves next to first aid supplies, and a pot of tea sits on her desk with a plate of homemade cookies. MRS. HUDSON is tending to SHERLOCK's face, swabbing away the last of the soot with a cotton ball. His hair is in utter disarray, and his hands and hairline still have evidence of the explosion. JOHN sits next to them, munching away on a cookie, a mug of tea in his hand. 

MRS. HUDSON

I don't see any glass, but you do have a bit of a scratch here.

She swabs at his cheekbone, and SHERLOCK flinches at the sting.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

Oh, sorry dear, but we have to sterilize. Such a pity, on that beautiful face. You really must be more careful!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I _was_ being careful, I don't know what went wrong. That reaction should not have been so severe, it doesn't make sense! I only used 5 milliliters, at that dilution...

His eyes go soft for a moment and his hands flutter, lost in his mind palace as he revisits his calculations. MRS. HUDSON grabs a wayward hand and starts examining it.

MRS. HUDSON

Oh dear! You have a shard in your palm, poor thing! Let me get my tweezers.

She turns to her supply tray, and JOHN looks up at SHERLOCK, brow wrinkled in concern. SHERLOCK is still looking off to the mid-distance; the hand with the glass shard twitches slightly in his lap, while the other rearranges decimal points in the air.

MRS. HUDSON

(turning back to SHERLOCK)

Now, this may hurt a little.

With one deft movement, she pulls the small piece of glass from SHERLOCK's palm, just as SHERLOCK's eyes go wide and he lets out a small gasp.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh!

MRS. HUDSON

I'm sorry, sweetie, but it had to come out, you wouldn't want—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

_Anderson._

MRS. HUDSON

Beg your pardon?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(all in a rush)

The dilutions of the acid, he didn't dilute them, he divided them between stations, must have added an instruction somewhere for dilution, should have read the class notes, but really who can be bothered with such mindless drivel, and anyway he should have done it himself, probably got caught up with his ridiculous theories and ran out of time, lazy useless waste of space.

He pauses for a breath, and MRS. HUDSON, who has been cleaning and bandaging his hand during this diatribe, takes the opportunity to wrap his hand around a fresh mug of tea.

MRS. HUDSON

Here, drink this.

She lifts the cup halfway to his mouth, and when she's satisfied it will complete its journey, she takes his other hand in hers to check it for glass. She makes a tsking sound, and reaches for her tweezers.

JOHN WATSON

(through a mouthful of cookies)

Whaddya try'na do anyway, Sh'lock? I jus' wanna pass the class, and yer off doin'spearmints that could blow us all t'kingdom come!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, you know this coursework is beneath us. Anderson is an idiot, and we were doing litmus strip tests when we were in kindergarten.

JOHN WATSON

(gulping down tea)

Speak for yourself. Actually, I didn't think you even went to kindergarten.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, I didn't, but that's besides the point.

JOHN WATSON

Right, back to the point: what the _hell_ did you think you were doing in there?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(with a sniff)

Well, if you're failing Anderson's class, I hardly think you'd grasp the complexity of my independent studies.

JOHN WATSON

Hey! What are you implying, you arrogant—

MRS. HUDSON

Boys, boys, let's not argue.

She's finished removing the glass bits from SHERLOCK's hand and patching it up, and now she shifts to face JOHN.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

You two have been coming to see me since you were scrawny little freshmen, getting into all manner of scrapes and jams, black eyes and bloody knees, and one memorable time, matching sprained fingers... still not clear on how you managed that one.

She smiles fondly, and shakes her head.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

The point is, you're always here together. Four years, and I've never seen you two apart.

(with a sigh)

Life's too short to quarrel over the little things. It's the end of your Senior year. Enjoy the time you have left together.

Her eyes go a bit misty.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

You never know where your paths will take you, and friends you thought you'd have forever just sort of slip away.

She blinks away the tears and refocuses on JOHN, patting his knee.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

Cherish these last weeks, dear. You two have something special here, don't you forget it.

JOHN blushes and looks down at his shoes.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

That reminds me! Prom is coming up soon, isn't it? Big night. Do you boys have plans?

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock's not going.

MRS. HUDSON turns to SHERLOCK, mouth open in shock.

MRS. HUDSON

But Sherlock dear, you have to go! It's your Senior Prom. And won't you look dashing in a tux!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

What I _have_ to do is attend to a very important and time sensitive experiment.

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, pish-posh! You only get one prom night, and besides, don't you want to get dressed up, go out on the town with John?

Something flickers in SHERLOCK's eyes, but he just shrugs and doesn't meet her gaze.

JOHN WATSON

Good luck, Mrs. H! I've been trying to get him to go out on Saturday nights for years, but he's always too busy with his experiments. Though if I stop by his place first, we somehow end up out together anyway, investigating something or another. He's always got 'samples' to collect or 'test subjects' to observe.

He gives a rueful smile.

JOHN WATSON

You know, his mind's just like that, running a mile a minute, off on one thing to the next. Guess he'd find parties pretty dull, once he'd finished deducing all the guests.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I wouldn't even waste my time with that. Drunk high school students are incredibly boring.

MRS. HUDSON

I'll pretend I didn't hear that! What about you, John?

JOHN WATSON

Well, I—

The phone on MRS. HUDSON's desk rings.

MRS. HUDSON

Oooh, just a moment dear!

She picks up the phone.

MRS. HUDSON

Hello, Mrs. Hudson's office.

Side wipe to split screen. MYCROFT HOLMES is sitting at his desk, hand massaging his brow.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Nurse Hudson. I believe you are in possession of my brother. Yet again.

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, Mr. Holmes. I was wondering when you'd ring! Yes, Sherlock's here, a bit scratched up but no worse for wear, don't you worry!  

MYCROFT HOLMES

I wasn't worried. 

MRS. HUDSON

Oh, you can't fool me! I don't blame you, he's quite a handful, isn't he? But such a darling boy, and so smart too, takes after you in that I think.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(with a sniff)

Hardly. If he were half as clever as he thinks he is, I wouldn't be constantly cleaning up after his little fiascos. Which brings us to the matter at hand. I assume Mr. Watson is there as well?

MRS. HUDSON

Of course, like peas in a pod, those two. 

She looks over to JOHN and SHERLOCK, who are conferring quietly to each other — likely getting their stories straight.

MRS. HUDSON (CONT'D)

I'll be sad to see them leave Bayside... I've gotten quite used to them popping by every other week! Things will be awfully quiet when they're gone.

MYCROFT HOLMES

One can only hope. At the risk of being short, I really must get back to the business of running this school. When you have finished tending to my brother's self-inflicted stupidity, please direct him and Mr. Watson to my office.

MRS. HUDSON

Certainly, Mr. Holmes. Have a nice day!

MYCROFT HOLMES

Unlikely.

He hangs up the phone, and the screen wipes back to full. MRS. HUDSON shakes her head.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

What did the pompous old windbag want this time?

MRS. HUDSON

Sherlock, dear, that's no way to speak of your brother! Or the principal, for that matter.

SHERLOCK rolls his eyes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Let me guess: his office, now, for another thrilling rendition of "Let's blame Sherlock for my boring job and meaningless existence."

MRS. HUDSON

Be nice, Sherlock, or I won't let you and John take the rest of these cookies to go. 

JOHN looks up at SHERLOCK with puppy-dog eyes, and SHERLOCK sighs. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 _Fine_. Better not keep His Royal Highness waiting. Are we done here?

MRS. HUDSON

I think so, but keep those cuts clean, and do try to stay out of trouble!

SHERLOCK and JOHN stand to leave, JOHN grabbing a fistful of cookies from the tea tray. MRS. HUDSON jumps to her feet, and in an outpouring of maternal affection, she throws her arms around them, bringing them in for an awkward three-way hug.

MRS. HUDSON

My boys!

She gives them a tight squeeze, crushing them together, then releases them and dabs at her eyes. SHERLOCK looks a little embarrassed, and quickly heads to the door. JOHN gives an apologetic smile and follows.

JOHN WATSON

Bye, Mrs. H!

MRS. HUDSON trails after them.

MRS. HUDSON

Take care of each other!

JOHN WATSON (O.S.)

We will!

MRS. HUDSON leans out the doorway, waving goodbye. 

MRS. HUDSON

(to herself)

My boys.

With a little sigh, she closes the door.

END SCENE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Hudson's cameo appearance in this fic is an [homage to Miss Bliss](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/post/129723975987/this-week-on-saved-by-the-bell-a-special-cameo-by). For those of you who are unfamiliar, Saved By The Bell started out at a show called Good Morning Miss Bliss, starring Hayley Mills. I see Mrs. Hudson as having a very similar role in this universe, as a caretaker, confidant, and giver of advice (and it means she can keep her accent!)


	5. Act 1, Scene 4

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

Bland doesn't begin to describe the banality of the room. From the plain beige walls, adorned only with evenly spaced, perfectly straight diplomas, to the drab yet immaculate carpet, every bit of the office screams pseudo-corporate micromanaging control freak. Orderly bookshelves line the far wall, and the oscillating fan in the corner does nothing to alleviate the stuffy atmosphere that pervades the room. A pristine desk dominates the space, the only items on its surface a monogrammed fountain pen in an antique holder, a nameplate reading 'MR. HOLMES', and two neat stacks of paper sitting in trays marked 'IN' and 'OUT'. Behind the desk, MYCROFT HOLMES is on the phone, leaning back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Yes. 

(pause)

No. 

He twiddles the phone cord.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Of course not. 

(long pause)

 _Fine_. 

He takes a deep, calming breath and sits up in his chair.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

I understand, Mother, but I really don't think this is the time— 

SHERLOCK bursts through the door, JOHN at his heels. ANTHEA is close behind.

ANTHEA

I'm sorry, Mr. Holmes, I tried to buzz but you were on the line and he refused to wait.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(to ANTHEA)

It's fine.

He dismisses her with a wave of his hand.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(to the phone)

I have to go, duty calls. Yes. _Yes._

He hangs up the phone and levels a look at SHERLOCK. 

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Back here again, brother mine.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Only because you insist on perpetuating this charade.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(ignoring SHERLOCK)

A pleasure as always, Mr. Watson.

JOHN crosses his arms.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Though I had hoped you would be able to keep Sherlock out of trouble long enough for him to graduate.

JOHN WATSON

Not really my job, now is it?

MYCROFT HOLMES

I suppose not. Your track record is hardly exemplary on that count. Well, Sherlock, what do you have to say for yourself this time?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I don't have to make excuses to you. It's not like you care anyway.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I always care, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, that's rather foolish of you.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Yes, it is. 

He looks momentarily lost in thought, eyes unfocused, before he shakes himself, stands and straightens his suit jacket.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

So tell me, dear brother, why did you decide to blow up the chemistry lab?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 _I_ didn't decide to do anything, it was all Anderson's fault! If that imbecile had done his job for once—

MYCROFT HOLMES

 _Mister_ Anderson is the best chemistry teacher in the district, and you'd do well to give him due respect.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Best teacher my ass! Out of how many?

MYCROFT looks mildly affronted by SHERLOCK's language, but averts his eyes at the question.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Well, granted, he was the only qualified candidate for the job at the time of his hire, but the fact remains. He is qualified, certified, and undoubtedly, your superior.

Sherlock scoffs. JOHN rolls his eyes and makes a "T" with his arms.

JOHN WATSON

Time out!

MYCROFT and SHERLOCK freeze in place.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

They could be at this for hours! I'd better hurry things along. 

He goes over to MYCROFT's desk and scoots the trays of neatly stacked papers closer to the edge. He grabs the oscillating fan from the corner, its blades also frozen still, and moves it a foot to the left. He angles the head to face the precariously placed papers, and dusts off his hands with satisfaction.

JOHN WATSON

That should do it.

He walks back to stand by Sherlock, and is about to raise his arms in a "T" when he gets a mischievous gleam in his eye. He snaps his fingers.

JOHN WATSON

Almost forgot!

He rummages in MYCROFT's desk, retrieves a post-it note, and scrawls something on it with the monogrammed fountain pen. He claps it on MYCROFT's back with a hearty smack, hurries back to his spot, and grins at camera.

JOHN WATSON

That's better. 

He lifts his hands to form the "T".

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Time in!

The fan whirs to life, spraying paperwork across the room. MYCROFT looks on in shock at the flurry of pages filling the air, then at SHERLOCK, who is doubled over in laughter. MYCROFT opens his mouth to yell at him, looks over at the placement of the fan, and frowns. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

ANTHEA!!!

ANTHEA instantly appears in the doorway.

ANTHEA

Sir!

She takes one look at the cyclone of paper and hurries over to switch off the fan.

MYCROFT HOLMES

What have I told you about moving my things?

ANTHEA

Everything is just as you left it, Mr. Holmes.

By this point, both JOHN and SHERLOCK are laughing so hard they are clutching each other for support, tears streaming down their cheeks.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(gesturing at the mess on the floor)

Clearly it isn't.

ANTHEA just raises an eyebrow at him.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Yes, fine. 

(to SHERLOCK and JOHN)

I know this is your fault, and once I find out how you did it, there will be hell to pay!

JOHN WATSON

(between giggles)

Just... send us... the invoice!

SHERLOCK erupts in a fresh bout of laughter.

MYCROFT HOLMES

That's it, get out! And I don't want to see either of you in my office again.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Promise?

MYCROFT HOLMES

If you can manage to stay out of trouble for the rest of the school year, I won't tell Mother about today's little escapade.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(snorts)

You already did, you were on the phone with her when we came in. Don't lie to me, Mycroft, I'm not a child. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

Your behavior indicates otherwise. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Come on, John, let's go before Mycroft lectures us to death. 

He herds JOHN out of the door, pausing in the doorway to deliver his parting shot over his shoulder.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh, and Mother expects you at 7 P.M. sharp Saturday night, something about tickets to the theater? _Too bad_ I can't join you, but Mother agrees that my studies must come first, and you know how _busy_ I am with finals. Have fun!

He leaves before MYCROFT can respond.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Finals! Sherlock has never studied for finals in his life. Busy with his silly experiments and John Watson, no doubt.

ANTHEA

I think it's sweet you take your mom out for a night on the town.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Obviously you have never been subjected to CATS. _Three times._

ANTHEA covers her mouth to suppress a laugh, but is unable to hide her gleeful amusement. Ignoring her, MYCROFT turns to the chaos littered across the floor.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Please be of use and help me clean up this mess.

He bends to pick up the papers, and ANTHEA dissolves into giggles.

ANTHEA

We're going to have to keep a closer watch on them.

MYCROFT doesn't look up from his task.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I'm sorry, who?

ANTHEA pulls the sticky note from MYCROFT's back.

ANTHEA

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.

She flourishes in front of MYCROFT's confused face.

INSERT — POST-IT NOTE

In big block letters, it reads 'SPANK ME'

MYCROFT HOLMES (V.O.)

_SHERLOCK!!!_

MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who may not know, [Time Out](http://36.media.tumblr.com/5afe5c73f46eab84056d324e754745da/tumblr_nv5rrf49AA1th86yqo1_400.jpg) was a [Real Thing](http://31.media.tumblr.com/d6d3eed1cb90505b54c445754fc5a6e9/tumblr_nv5rrf49AA1th86yqo4_r1_400.gif) on SBTB. And [it was glorious](http://33.media.tumblr.com/683d987f6ed90c5f03ed8ed62f9bc68b/tumblr_nv5rrf49AA1th86yqo2_400.gif).


	6. Act 1, Scene 5

FADE IN:

INT. SHERLOCK'S BEDROOM, WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

SHERLOCK's bedroom is a study in controlled chaos. Every available surface is covered in stacks of books, piles of newspapers, and the eclectic remains of experiments that range from just underway to well-past overdue for cleanup. SHERLOCK is sitting at his desk, intent on his microscope, occasionally pausing from his slides to take notes in a worn leather-bound journal. JOHN is sprawled on the bed, piles of clothes and books and papers shoved to the side, staring up at the ceiling. 

JOHN WATSON

I don't know what I'm going to do.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

They seem to be dividing at nearly the same rate, but the addition of sucrose should have increased propagation by at least eighteen percent.

JOHN WATSON

Summer school.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Perhaps temperature is a variable?

JOHN WATSON

With Mycroft.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Refrigeration was necessary to maintain freshness during the day, but still, there ought to be greater variation...

JOHN WATSON

(sitting up and glaring at SHERLOCK)

Are you even listening to me?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(not looking up from his slide)

Yes, yes, school, summer, siblings.

JOHN WATSON

Oh great. So you just don't care.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Would my caring make a difference in your ability to pass Anderson's class?

JOHN WATSON

Yes! 

(pause)

No... 

(with a sigh)

Well, maybe. If you cared enough to help me study.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, since we've gotten home from school, you have made yourself a snack, watched two hours of T.V., ordered pizza, and lain on my bed for another hour, alternating between bemoaning your fate and reading the latest issue of Nintendo Power. I, meanwhile, have tended to my hives, updated Redbeard's programming, set up my sucrose slides and inoculated three new cultures for the weekend. If I had confidence that _you_ cared enough to actually put a little effort into your studies, I would consider spending my free time tutoring you. As it stands, it appears to be a waste of both our time. 

JOHN slumps back on the bed with a groan.

JOHN WATSON

I'm toast.

(to camera)

Yeah, he's always like that. But still, he's a good friend... my best friend. First friend I ever made at Bayside, actually. Sometimes it feels like I've known him forever, but it's closer to four years. Still, I can remember it like it was yesterday...

The screen goes all wavy, and little musical trills cascade and loop as the scene shifts. When the camera refocuses, we're in a hallway at Bayside just outside the admin offices. A much shorter, much younger JOHN WATSON nervously scans the room numbers and name plaques, checking and rechecking the slip of paper in his hand. He finally finds the door he's looking for, and gives an audible sigh of relief. The words 'MR. STAMFORD - Counselor' are emblazoned on the placard, with a hand-written sign beneath saying 'Come on in, I'm here to help! ☺'. The door is slightly ajar, so JOHN puts his hand on the knob and starts to push it open, when voices inside the room halt his hand.

MR. STAMFORD (O.S.)

—just trying to help. Your brother has concerns about how you're adjusting to this larger setting, and we want to—

SHERLOCK HOLMES (O.S.)

I don't need your _help_ , and if Mycroft was worried about my ability to fit in here, he shouldn't have encouraged my parents to accelerate my studies. 

JOHN leans closer to peer in through the crack. 

CUT TO: JOHN's POV. 

MR. STAMFORD is seated at a desk facing the door, looking with concern at the student sitting across from him. From this vantage, we can only see the dark curly head of the figure slouching in the chair.

MR. STAMFORD 

Do you think you shouldn't have been advanced a year early?

SHERLOCK HOLMES 

It's not like it matters, the classes here are still as dull as middle school.

MR. STAMFORD

I can imagine it would be tough, being thrown in with the older kids, leaving behind your friends.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(snorts)

Sure, _friends_. Who'd want me for a friend?

JOHN starts to back out of the room and close the door, but the movement draws MR. STAMFORD's attention, his gaze meeting JOHN's wide eyes.

JOHN WATSON

(stammering)

S-s-sorry, sir! I didn't mean— I'll just— I'll be—

His face is bright red, but MR. STAMFORD gives him a warm smile.

MR. STAMFORD

Well, you're already here, why don't you come in? I think we're about wrapped up anyway.

JOHN hesitates for a second, then opens the door and enters the small office.

JOHN WATSON

Uh...this paper, it said I need to come here? To get my schedule?

He approaches the desk to hand over the slip of paper, and SHERLOCK turns to watch, laser beam focus fixed on JOHN.

MR. STAMFORD

Ah, yes, John Watson. Just give me a moment to find your file.

He gets up to rummage in a file cabinet in the back corner.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Air Force or Navy?

JOHN WATSON

Excuse me?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Your father, Air Force or Navy?

JOHN WATSON

Navy. How...how did you know—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I didn't know, I observed. You're a mid-semester transfer student, but your dress and manners don't say troublemaker, so not expelled from another school. You called Stamford 'sir' automatically, not out of politeness but habit; your deference to male authority and prevailing gender norms suggest your father is career military. So, transfer student from a military family, father recently restationed, the only bases near this school district are the Los Angeles Air Force Base in El Segundo and the Naval Bases in Point Mugu and Port Hueneme. Bayside is roughly equidistant from the Air Force and Navy Bases, so I couldn't be sure which. Your mother must value your education quite a bit, to live off-base so you can attend school in this district, though with the military's basic allowance for housing, you wouldn't be able to afford much in the area, even with the supplemental income from her part-time job.

SHERLOCK stops abruptly, short of breath and clearly just now aware that he had been rambling.

JOHN WATSON

That...that was...

SHERLOCK appears absorbed in his cuticles, studiously avoiding eye contact.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

...amazing!

SHERLOCK looks up at him sharply.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Really?

JOHN WATSON

Totally! That was awesome!!!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

That's not how people normally react.

JOHN WATSON

How do they normally react?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Shove me in a locker, push me down the stairs, throw my backpack in the trash...

(with a shrug)

You know, the usual.

JOHN furrows his brow.

JOHN WATSON

The...usual...

MR. STAMFORD

Ah, here we are!

He turns back to the boys with a cheery grin. 

MR. STAMFORD (CONT'D)

(handing the schedule to JOHN)

Pretty standard Freshman first semester, shouldn't be too hard to catch you up with your classmates.

His eyes flick between the two boys, and his smile grows even wider.

MR. STAMFORD (CONT'D)

You haven't been paired with a Bayside Buddy yet, have you?

JOHN WATSON

Bayside Buddy?

MR. STAMFORD (CONT'D)

Just something we do to help the new kids fit in — give them a tour, show them the ropes, that sort of thing. I was just talking to Sherlock here about his schedule, and it looks like you're in most of the same classes this semester.

(clapping SHERLOCK on the back)

Whaddya say, will you be his Bayside Buddy?

SHERLOCK rolls his eyes, but the side of his mouth ticks up just a bit. He stands and offers his hand to JOHN.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Sherlock Holmes.

JOHN takes it and gives it a good shake.

JOHN WATSON

John Watson.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Obviously.

(at JOHN's confused expression)

Stamford said it when you came in.

JOHN WATSON

Oh, right.

He drops SHERLOCK's hand, and scratches the back of his neck, a little embarrassed. He looks down at the schedule in his other hand.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

So...English?

SHERLOCK glances at JOHN's schedule.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ugh, you have Dimmock too? 

He hauls his backpack onto his skinny shoulders and heads to the door, John following close behind.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

He's an idiot, but then again, most people are. At least you don't have Advanced Calculus yet! They _say_ it's advanced, but really—

His audio fades out as they leave the office, and JOHN's V.O. overlays a series of scenes of young SHERLOCK and JOHN in various classes, hallways, and the school cafeteria.

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

Those first few weeks we were inseparable. At first I thought Sherlock was just taking his buddy duties seriously, but after a couple days, it kind of became our routine to meet at our lockers before class, sit together at lunch, and pair up on class projects. I dunno, I guess we just sort of clicked. I knew he didn't really get along with other kids, but I didn't think it would be a problem until we had our first group project.

INT. LIBRARY, AFTER SCHOOL, FRESHMAN YEAR.

MOLLY, SALLY, IRENE, LESTRADE, JOHN, and SHERLOCK are sitting around a table, books and notes strewn about. Everyone looks tense.

SALLY DONOVAN

I don't see why we have to research together, we've divided up the presentation. Let's just do our own parts and meet up after.

JOHN WATSON

Well, we're in these groups for the rest of the semester, I figured we should get to know each other better. You know, team building and all that.

SALLY DONOVAN

What if I don't want to get to know everyone better?

She shoots daggers at SHERLOCK, who glares back.

IRENE ADLER

Well, I think a bit of _getting to know you_ sounds like fun.

She bats her lashes at JOHN.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

What's your story, new boy?

JOHN blushes, and SHERLOCK shoves a book in IRENE's direction.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Stop flirting and focus on the work. I don't want to be here any longer than absolutely necessary.

SALLY DONOVAN

Never thought I'd say this, but Freak has a point.

JOHN WATSON

Don't call him that!

MS. YAO

Shhhhhh!!!

They fall silent until the librarian has moved away from their table again.

JOHN WATSON

Right, so where were we?

IRENE ADLER

Defending your boyfriend's honor?

MOLLY HOOPER

Irene!

IRENE ADLER

Oh chill out, I'm just having a little fun. He's a big boy, he can take it.

She winks at JOHN, who looks down at the array of books.

JOHN WATSON

Fine, let's just get to work. Molly, you've got the first Sino-Japanese war, yeah? 

She nods, and he tosses her a book. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Sherlock's got innovations and discoveries, so x-rays, wireless telegraph, and the Lumière brothers.

He passes over a stack of books, which SHERLOCK eagerly starts devouring. 

JOHN WATSON

Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

He puts the book in front of LESTRADE, who leans back and crosses his arms behind his head.

D.I. LESTRADE

Not my section.

IRENE reaches across the table to snag the book.

JOHN WATSON

Uh, okay...what is your section?

LESTRADE just shrugs. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Why don't you help me with the Spanish-American war then. 

D.I. LESTRADE

Who died and made you leader, Preppie?

JOHN WATSON

Hey, at least I'm trying to get this project started. What have you been doing to help?

MOLLY HOOPER

Come on, guys, can't we all just get along?

SALLY DONOVAN

I knew this group study thing was a bad idea.

IRENE ADLER

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this. All these hot tempers... 

She leans in to whisper to MOLLY.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Do you think it'll come to punches?

MOLLY HOOPER

Oh god, I hope not!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Can everyone please just shut up? I can't hear myself think with all the stupidity in the room!

SALLY DONOVAN

Why don't you shut up, Freak?

JOHN WATSON

I told you not to call him that!

D.I. LESTRADE

(in a high-pitched voice)

I told you not to call him that!

JOHN WATSON

SHUT UP!

MS. YAO

_SHHHHHHHH!!!_

JOHN, SALLY, SHERLOCK, and MOLLY turn to their books, while LESTRADE makes paper footballs and flicks them at SALLY, and IRENE doodles fashion designs in her notebook.

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

It seemed pretty hopeless, being stuck with that group for the rest of the semester. I thought for sure we'd kill each other before the end of that first project! But then something happened that changed everything...

INT. HALLWAY, AFTER SCHOOL, FRESHMAN YEAR.

Sixth period Social Studies has just let out, and the small group has assembled by the door, talking game plan as the rest of the students file out.

SALLY DONOVAN

So Irene starts things off with the women's suffrage movement in the US. From social justice issues and oppression, I'll continue with Native American relations and forced reservations, culminating in the Wounded Knee massacre. Then I'll hand it over to Molly for world conflicts.

MOLLY HOOPER

Yep! And then does it make sense to go into Lestrade and John's Spanish-American war presentation? Or Sherlock's inventions, since they come first chronologically?

By this point, they're the only ones left in the hall. SHERLOCK stands off to the side, not really paying attention, until JIM MORIARTY comes around the corner. SHERLOCK visibly shrinks, but doesn't move.

JOHN WATSON

I don't know, what do you think, Sherlock?

JIM MORIARTY

Sherlock Holmes!

Everyone turns to see JIM's dramatic approach, all swagger and sneer.

JIM MORIARTY (CONT'D)

Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. Turns out you're not the only one who can skip a grade.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

But...but you were expelled. You changed districts.

JIM MORIARTY

Just a matter of paperwork. No one really looks too closely, as long as the right forms are submitted, not even brother dearest. Dot the i's and cross the t's, forge a few signatures...

He shrugs.

JIM MORIARTY (CONT'D)

Easy-peasy.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock, what's going on? Has this guy been giving you trouble?

JIM MORIARTY

Aw, you didn't tell your _little_ pal about old Jim? I'm hurt, Sherlock, really.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, just forget about it. He's not important.

JIM's eyes narrow.

JIM MORIARTY

Oh, I don't know about that. Sounds like someone's forgotten his place. 

He takes a step towards SHERLOCK, who flinches reflexively.

JIM MORIARTY (CONT'D)

You and me, Boys room, NOW.

JOHN WATSON

Wait a minute, Jim. 

He steps in front of SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

You’re going to have to go through me to get to Sherlock.

JIM laughs.

JIM MORIARTY

Just you?

D.I. LESTRADE

No, the both of us.

He joins JOHN in front of SHERLOCK.

MOLLY HOOPER

Me too.

IRENE ADLER

And me.

SALLY DONOVAN

And _me_.

She crosses her arms and levels a deadly look at JIM. All five of them are standing shoulder to shoulder, completely blocking SHERLOCK from JIM. For a long, tense moment, JIM's gaze flickers across their faces, assessing, calculating. Finally, he shoves his hands in his pockets and skulks away. Everyone turns back to SHERLOCK, who is staring at them with undisguised shock.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

That...that thing you did... offered to do... you didn't have to—

D.I. LESTRADE

(grabbing him in a friendly headlock)

Don't mention it, little buddy.

He ruffles his hair before releasing him.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, we've got your back.

MOLLY HOOPER

That's what friends are for!

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

After that, the gang kind of stuck together, and the rest, as they say, is history. 

The screen goes wavy again, and we're back in SHERLOCK's bedroom, camera on JOHN.

JOHN WATSON

Lucky for us, Jim didn't stick around too long after that. Last I heard, he was locked up in juvie until his eighteenth birthday.

A mechanical bark from the foot of the bed draws JOHN's attention.

JOHN WATSON

Hiya, Redbeard!

A robotic dog is sitting next to the bed, looking up at JOHN and wagging his tail. JOHN leans over to scratch behind his synthetic ear.

JOHN WATSON

Who's a good boy?

REDBEARD barks again, tail thumping loudly on the carpet.

JOHN WATSON

Aw, you want to play fetch, dontcha boy? Let's see what we've got...

He turns to look around the bed, and spies the skull sitting on SHERLOCK's bedside table. He starts to reach for it—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(not looking up from his slides)

Don't you dare.

JOHN WATSON

Okay, okay. I thought he might like a bone is all.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You do realize he's not a _real_ dog. He doesn't require bone marrow for nutrients, nor does he need to gnaw at things to clean his teeth or exercise his jaw in order to fulfill some archaic evolutionary urge. One of the many benefits to having an artificial canine.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, I got it. 

(to REDBEARD)

Don't worry, boy, I think I may have a pencil box or something...

He starts to rummage in his backpack, pulling out books and notes. He freezes, chemistry textbook in one hand, a manila envelope in the other.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Uh...Sherlock?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Mmm?

JOHN WATSON

I think...I think these are the answers to next week's test.

He holds up the envelope, the words 'CHEMISTRY FINAL' scrawled across the front. SHERLOCK finally looks up from his microscope and casts a quick glance at the packet.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, that would drastically increase your chances of passing the class.

JOHN WATSON

Or get me kicked out of Bayside.

DRAMATIC MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

END ACT 1.

[COMMERCIAL](https://youtu.be/fQ-8id3YmFg) [BREAK](https://youtu.be/XGQAAs5quf4).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our first [commercial break](https://youtu.be/fQ-8id3YmFg)! Maybe John should call now, to help with his dilemma?
> 
> More cameos this episode! Mike Stamford, of course (don't you think he'd make an excellent school counselor?) and our school librarian Ms. Yao is [Soo Lin Yao](http://bakerstreet.wikia.com/wiki/Soo_Lin_Yao). And then there's dear old Jim. Yes, this is a cameo appearance ~ I tried to write him out quickly, since there's no way he'd slip by under Mycroft's watch for too long. Good thing he's locked up for another year, so we can keep everything light and fluffy!
> 
> Speaking of Jim, that awkward (suggestive?) _Boys room, NOW_ confrontation was lifted straight from the Good Morning Miss Bliss episode 'Showdown', but whereas here Sherlock is protected by his friends and Jim leaves them in peace, Screech actually decides to 'man up' and go into the Boys room with Deke... where he discovers that Deke can't read? Add to this the fact that the actor who played Deke was in his early 20s, and it stands as one of the most bizarre conflict resolutions in SBTB history, and that's saying something!
> 
> I had to write a flashback episode, the staple of end-of-series filler eps, since clip-shows don't require much new footage. Of course, while writing this, I didn't have that luxury! Still, it was fun to play with their origin story, and imagine the gang as wee lil' Freshmen. I know the past few scenes have been a bit johnlock heavy, but the next act will delve deeper into the other characters and relationships too. John and Sherlock just have so much more work to do to get to where they need to end up.  
>  _(sigh)_ My boys...
> 
> Nerdy side note: the unifying theme in their Social Studies project? History of the late 1800s, particularly the 1890s, with Sherlock's section focusing on the innovations of a certain year (^_~)


	7. Act 2, Scene 1

INT. ANGELO'S PIZZERIA, THURSDAY AFTERNOON.

The gang is seated around the corner table, staring at JOHN with open shock. The incriminating manila envelope lays on the table in front of him. He slumps forward and digs his hands into his hair.

JOHN WATSON

I don't know what to do!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You should get that on a shirt. 

D.I. LESTRADE

So you really haven't looked inside? Not even a peek?

JOHN WATSON

Not yet...I mean, it's really tempting isn't it?

(he looks down at the envelope with longing)

But if I get caught, I'll be expelled for sure. And no one would believe it if I got perfect marks on the final.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You wouldn't _have_ to answer all the questions correctly just because you knew the answers. There's bound to be a handful of particularly difficult questions, I could identify the optimal score that would let you pass the class without raising suspicions.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(blankly)

What?

JOHN WATSON

Bit not good.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Just trying to help.

JOHN WATSON

Sure, _now_ you want to help.

SALLY DONOVAN

What I don't understand is how the test got into your bag to begin with.

She eyes him suspiciously.

JOHN WATSON

It was an accident, I swear! You know how I left my textbook in the lab this week, and when I picked it up yesterday—

SALLY DONOVAN

Yesterday! You were supposed to go right after Angelo's on Monday, I promised Mr. Anderson you would!

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, well, I didn't.

SALLY scowls at him.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

 _Anyway_ , when I grabbed it from Anderson's desk yesterday, I must've picked up the test too. I don't remember too clearly, I was pissed off because he was being a jerk and going on about failing grades and summer school and it's just kind of a red blur. And then there was that explosion and Mycroft's office...

He rakes his fingers through his hair again, the short blond strands sticking up in all directions.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

...the whole day was a disaster. I didn't even realize I had the test until I was going through my bag last night and there it was, wedged in behind my chemistry book.

MOLLY HOOPER

Well, that sounds...reasonable. Can't you just explain what happened to Mr. Anderson?

SHERLOCK, SALLY, and JOHN all look at MOLLY like she's grown another head.

JOHN WATSON

Explain? To Anderson? You know how he is, he's had it out for me all semester. He'd just love an excuse to fail me. 

SALLY DONOVAN

Seems like you were doing fine with that on your own.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, thanks for the reminder, Sally.

IRENE traces a red nail over the manila envelope, drawing attention back to the matter at hand.

IRENE ADLER

So this test... I know it's not exactly _ethical_ , but what's the harm in a little sneak preview? I mean, I just want to pass the test. It's not like I'm ever going to use chemistry again after this class. 

SALLY snorts.

SALLY DONOVAN

You're as bad as _he_ is! 

She jabs an accusing finger at SHERLOCK, who just blinks back at her, unperturbed.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

What's with all of you? Doesn't anyone care about what's right?

MOLLY HOOPER

(quietly)

I do.

SALLY DONOVAN

(to IRENE, ignoring MOLLY)

If you spent half as much time studying for the test as you do thinking about boys and prom, you'd have no problem passing your classes. You're clever, no matter how much you play dumb for the jocks. You've got a brain — use it!

IRENE looks a bit stunned by this outburst, but she quickly recovers. 

IRENE ADLER

Well, it's a little late for me to start now... unless...

She glances at SHERLOCK, that old spark flickering to life in her eyes.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

...I had a tutor.

JOHN looks between the two of them, momentarily distracted. SHERLOCK ignores her completely. IRENE leans in closer, tiptoeing her fingers up SHERLOCK's arm.

IRENE ADLER

What do you say, Sherlock? Want to see if there's any chemistry between us?

JOHN WATSON

He's not interested.

IRENE ADLER

I wasn't asking _you_.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(looking at IRENE at last)

If I won't tutor John in Chemistry, what makes you think I'd help you?

LESTRADE whistles low between his teeth, and JOHN sits back and crosses his arms over his chest, radiating smug satisfaction.

IRENE ADLER

Just trying to take an interest in my studies.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, back to the real issue, what now? I mean, Molly's right, I should just return the test and be done with it, but how? 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, you'd better do it soon. Anderson's an idiot, but even he will eventually realize that the test is missing.

JOHN props his elbows on the table and presses the heels of his hands against his closed eyes. Suddenly, he sits up, eyes alight with mischief.

JOHN WATSON

I have a great idea!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh no, John. Last time you had a 'great idea', I ended up naked in Mycroft’s office!

JOHN WATSON

C’mon, it wasn’t that bad. You had a sheet, didn’t you? Anyway, this one is fool-proof, _and_ you get to keep your clothes on!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I can hardly wait.

JOHN WATSON

No, hear me out. You know how to pick locks, yeah? 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(slowly)

Yes...

JOHN WATSON

Well, all we have to do is break into Anderson's room and put the test back on his desk! He'd never notice in that crazy mess.

D.I. LESTRADE

(to SHERLOCK)

Can you really pick locks? Because that skill could come in handy.

MOLLY HOOPER

Isn't that kind of... illegal?

JOHN WATSON

Well, it's for a good cause. Just returning the test to its rightful owner. Consider it reverse theft!

SALLY DONOVAN

(dryly)

Yes, you're a modern day Robin Hood.

JOHN WATSON

(oblivious)

Setting wrongs to right, doing whatever it takes to get the job done... yeah, I guess it sounds pretty heroic when you put it like that! Whaddya say, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK shrugs.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Shouldn't be too difficult. Though we should probably wait to make our move. Teachers keep unpredictable hours close to finals, and we wouldn't want to chance Anderson being in the classroom when we break in.

IRENE ADLER

Oooh, this is all so exciting! Secret plots and break-ins and heists, just like the movies.

JOHN WATSON

Well, not so much the heist part, but it is pretty James Bond of us.

He grins at SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

So when should we do it?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Sunday evening. Anderson's got a _bowling_ league, of all things, and he never misses a match.

JOHN WATSON

It's a date!

SHERLOCK's cheeks tint slightly but no one seems to notice.

D.I. LESTRADE

So what're you gonna do with the test in the meantime?

JOHN shrugs.

JOHN WATSON

Just keep it in my backpack, I guess. I can stash it under my bed at home. 

D.I. LESTRADE

Sure you can resist the temptation?

He raises his eyebrows meaningfully.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, I haven't looked so far!

SALLY DONOVAN

Lestrade has a point. You're hardly a role model when it comes to following the rules, and you're on the verge of failing the class. How do we know you won't crack under the pressure?

IRENE ADLER

Yeah, if we can't sneak a peek, neither can you!

SALLY DONOVAN

That's not what I me—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I'll take care of it.

He sweeps the manila envelope into his backpack and zips it up with an air of finality.

SALLY DONOVAN

And why should we trust you?

He gives her a withering look.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Honestly, Sally, I could teach that class with my eyes shut, and still do a hell of a lot better than Anderson. I don't even need to study to pass that test, let alone cheat. Memorizing answers would be an extremely dull and useless waste of time.

SALLY DONOVAN

I suppose so. 

JOHN WATSON

(with a sigh)

Well, I guess I should try to study, since I won't be getting any help.

He looks wistfully at SHERLOCK's bag.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

My place?

JOHN WATSON

Sure.

IRENE watches them exit, a half-smile on her face.

IRENE ADLER

And he calls us idiots.

D.I. LESTRADE

Hmmm?

IRENE ADLER

Oh, nothing. 

She turns back to the table

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Though I do wish I'd had a chance to look at that test. 

She glares at SALLY accusingly.

SALLY DONOVAN

Oh, sure, I'm the bad guy because I don't want to cheat! It's the last test of our last semester of our last year at Bayside. Do you really want to go out on that note? You're better than that, Irene.

IRENE ADLER

(contemplatively)

Am I?

SALLY DONOVAN

Of course you are, but you're always selling yourself short. You need to take a good look in the mirror and realize you're more than just a pretty face.

IRENE looks shocked, but pleased. 

IRENE ADLER

I never knew you thought so much of me.

SALLY DONOVAN

Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head. I wouldn't be friends with someone who was _entirely_ shallow.

She glances at LESTRADE.

SALLY DONOVAN

Just mostly.

D.I. LESTRADE

Hey!

SALLY ignores him, fingers tapping anxiously on the table. 

SALLY DONOVAN

All this talk of tests, I really should be studying too, do you even know how many finals I have to study for?

D.I. LESTRADE

I think the whole school knows at this point!

IRENE ADLER

I suppose I should be off too. Wouldn't want to let this pretty head of mine go to waste.

She winks at SALLY, who doesn't look up from the piles of notes and books she's frantically gathering from the table. IRENE sashays out the door, soon followed by a visibly frazzled SALLY. 

MOLLY and LESTRADE are left at the table, opposite each other. MOLLY blushes a little and smiles.

MOLLY HOOPER

Well, that was exciting.

D.I. LESTRADE

Never a dull moment with Captain Troublemaker and his trusty sidekick.

MOLLY furrows her brow.

MOLLY HOOPER

Which one is the sidekick?

D.I. LESTRADE

I think they switch depending on the phases of the moon or something.

MOLLY giggles, and LESTRADE grins back at her. There's a beat where they both just stare at each other, smiling stupidly, but it's broken by a giant ice cream sundae being placed between them. It's covered in whipped cream with a cherry on top, and two spoons emerge from the fluted glass.

ANGELO

A treat for the love birds. 

MOLLY turns bright red and LESTRADE blinks in surprise.

D.I. LESTRADE

We're not, I mean... we didn't order...

ANGELO

Don't worry, it's on the house! Something to get you in the mood for prom. 

He waggles his eyebrows at them.

D.I. LESTRADE

Right, prom...

ANGELO

You're going, yes? Of course you're going!

LESTRADE just nods dumbly.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Well, if you need a place to take your date, I have a very special menu planned, for one night only. No pizza, the finest Italian cuisine, recipes handed down to me from my nonna — may she rest in peace — and lovingly cooked just for you. It will make a night to remember!

D.I. LESTRADE

Uh... thanks.

MOLLY pulls one of the spoons out from the mess of cream and smiles up at ANGELO.

MOLLY HOOPER

Yeah, thanks!

ANGELO

Don't mention it!

ANGELO exits. 

MOLLY licks her spoon and looks up at LESTRADE, whose eyes are fixed on her mouth.

MOLLY HOOPER

So, you found Miss Right?

D.I. LESTRADE

Yeah... I mean, what?

LESTRADE shakes himself and tries to make eye contact.

MOLLY HOOPER

Your date? For prom? 

LESTRADE continues to look at her blankly.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

Did you decide on a girl?

D.I. LESTRADE

Oh! No...not yet.

MOLLY HOOPER

Well, no rush, but you shouldn't wait too long, or all the good ones will be taken!

D.I. LESTRADE

Right. Yeah. Thanks, Molls. 

MOLLY HOOPER

Too bad you and Sally didn't work out, or you could take her.

D.I. LESTRADE

Oh god no, prom's supposed to be full of happy memories. Taking Sally would be awful! Can you imagine? 

(in a high-pitched voice)

Lestrade, you got the wrong corsage, you should have let me pick it out. Lestrade, your tie's not straight, you should have let me tie it. Lestrade, your hair isn't absolutely perfect, you should have let me style it.

(rolling his eyes)

Ugh, gag me with a spoon. I'd rather go solo.

MOLLY leans forward and pats his arm.

MOLLY HOOPER

I'm sure you'll find the right one. You're quite a catch.

Her hand lingers a beat too long, and when LESTRADE's gaze travels to where her fingertips rest on his forearm, she quickly pulls back as if burned. She titters nervously and tries to cover her embarrassment.

MOLLY HOOPER

So, any summer plans?

LESTRADE grabs the other spoon and digs into the sundae, answering with a mouthful of ice cream.

D.I. LESTRADE

Well actually—

They continue chatting as the camera pulls out, their audio fades and the background music rises.

FADE OUT.

END SCENE.

 


	8. Act 2, Scene 2

FADE IN:

INT. MR. ANDERSON'S CLASSROOM, FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

It's the last class of the day, and everyone's itching to get a start on the weekend. Everyone except MR. ANDERSON, who is blithely droning on at the front of the room in a flat monotone that is all too easy to tune out. The camera pans across the room to land in the back, where SHERLOCK is slumped on his desk, a scatter of small folded papers across its surface. More litter his backpack and the floor around his feet. To his left, IRENE is staring at him intensely, trying to garner his attention through sheer will alone. JOHN sits in front of SHERLOCK, leaning back in his chair to whisper the occasional snarky response to MR. ANDERSON's lecture, though by this point, he's stopped pretending to pay attention.

JOHN WATSON

Busy tonight?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Experiment.

JOHN WATSON

Of course.

IRENE leans over to slide another folded piece of notepaper onto SHERLOCK's desk.

JOHN WATSON

Fifty-seven.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Hmmm?

JOHN WATSON

That's fifty-seven notes she's passed you. _This class_.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Thrilling that you've been counting.

JOHN WATSON

What's she playing at?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I couldn't care less.

IRENE ADLER

Psst!

SHERLOCK ignores her.

IRENE ADLER

_Psst!_

She leans over and jabs him with her pen. SHERLOCK jumps in his seat and glares at her. She looks pointedly at his desk, and then back at SHERLOCK. He rolls his eyes but picks up a paper at random and unfolds it.

MR. ANDERSON

And what do we have here?

He's suddenly right between their desks, snatching the paper from SHERLOCK's hands. 

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Passing notes in class? Naughty naughty!

He makes a tsking noise and wags his index finger at SHERLOCK, who clenches his fists in his lap.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Let's see what couldn't wait until after class.

He clears his throat dramatically.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

 _Study tonight? XOXO._ How touching. 

He picks up another one and unfolds it.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

 _Even you have to pass the test. Let's study._ True enough. 

He picks up a third. SHERLOCK's jaw is set, his gaze fixed on his desk.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

_Bored in this class. Afterwards, let's study._

He crumples the paper in his fist and glares at IRENE.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

With this attitude, Ms. Adler, it's no wonder you're concerned about your grade in this class.

IRENE bats her eyelashes at MR. ANDERSON, cool as ever.

IRENE ADLER

Oh, I'm not concerned. I'm just trying to take an _interest_ in my studies.

MR. ANDERSON

Well then, I am sure you and Mr. Holmes will be delighted to have the opportunity to study together after school. In _detention_. 

He tosses the wadded up note to the ground, and stalks back to the front of the class.

MR. ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Now where were we? Ah, yes, the intrinsic attraction between HOMOs and LUMOs. If we look at this model—

The audio fades out, and the camera returns to the back of the room.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(hissing)

Thanks a lot, _Irene_.

She smiles wickedly.

IRENE ADLER

Not as intimate as I had hoped, but at least we get to study together. We can see where things go from there.

JOHN leans back in his chair. His expression is tight, his arms crossed over his chest.

JOHN WATSON

(with forced cheeriness)

Don't worry, Sherlock. I've got a plan.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh great. As if I'm not in enough trouble.

JOHN WATSON

Come on, when have I ever steered you wrong?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Would you like me to list chronologically or alphabetically?

JOHN WATSON

Oh ha _ha_. Jeez Sherlock, will you trust me for once?

SHERLOCK drops his head onto his arms and sighs.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

Good thing I brought my secret weapon with me to school today.

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a large chunk of plastic roughly the size and heft of a brick.

JOHN WATSON

My cellular phone. Sure, they're technically banned here, but what Anderson doesn't know...

He winks at camera, then dials a number. The wall phone at the front of the classroom rings. MR. ANDERSON stops mid-sentence, obviously flustered.

MR. ANDERSON

(to the class)

Uh, hold on. Just a second. Uh...right, turn to page three twenty-nine and begin the exercises on covalent bonds.

(picking up the phone)

Hello, Mr. Anderson speaking.

JOHN WATSON

(in a deep, smooth voice)

Yes, Mr. Anderson. This is Mr. Holmes. I believe my brother is in your class this period.

SHERLOCK looks up at JOHN and shakes his head furiously, but JOHN just grins and gives him a thumbs up.

MR. ANDERSON

Principal Holmes! Ah, yes, your, uh, brother. I've been meaning to—

JOHN WATSON

Would you please inform him that he should report to my office after school today? I need to speak to him about some... family matters.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

This will never work, you sound nothing like him.

JOHN WATSON

(covering the receiver)

Shhh! Anderson's buying it. I've got this!

MR. ANDERSON

Well, actually, Mr. Holmes, I mean, Principal Holmes, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, after school, Mr. Holmes, I mean your brother, the other Mr. Holmes, not you of course, but then that's why I call you Principal Holmes, right? 

(nervous laughter)

Anyway, Mr. Holmes landed himself in detention today, so—

JOHN WATSON

(raising his voice)

Do you know who you're speaking with? This is Mycroft Holmes, your _Principal_ and superior, and you will show me proper respect!

At this moment, MYCROFT HOLMES appears in the doorway, right in front of MR. ANDERSON, who is gaping at him, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, phone clutched tightly to his ear.

MR. ANDERSON

P-P-Principal Holmes!

MYCROFT raises a finger to his lips, then points it at JOHN, who is still facing SHERLOCK, hand over the receiver as he tries to stifle his laughter. MR. ANDERSON nods, a slow smile creeping across his face.

JOHN WATSON

(clearing his throat)

That's right, and don't you forget it! 

He leans over the back of his chair, exuding smug satisfaction and expertly honed bravado.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

I don't care about your minor squabbles with my brother. I would hope that even _you_ can keep a seventeen-year-old under control. Whatever punishment you have planned for him, I assure you, yours will be much worse if he is not waiting outside my office by the time the bell rings.

MR. ANDERSON

Yes, sir.

By this time, MYCROFT has crossed the room, and is nearly standing behind JOHN.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Uh...John...

His eyes are darting to MYCROFT and back again, trying to direct JOHN's attention, but JOHN just shushes him and continues, beaming at SHERLOCK with victory in his eyes.

JOHN WATSON

Very good. See to it that you excuse him five minutes early. Ah, and it's never wise to let him wander the halls on his own, so have John Watson accompany him.

MYCROFT plucks the phone from his hand and holds it up to his ear.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I'm terribly sorry, but John Watson will be unable to leave class early, as he will be accompanying my brother to detention.

MR. ANDERSON

Very good, sir. 

MYCROFT ends the call with a decisive click.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(under his breath)

I told you.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, at least you'll have excellent company!

(to camera)

I guess it's true what they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out [John's sweet phone](https://38.media.tumblr.com/47b5d2c5b26ef52009be413f5554c22a/tumblr_inline_nw8ja9PPGh1skoetw_500.gif)!


	9. Act 2, Scene 3

INT. ANGELO'S PIZZERIA, LATE FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

The door is flung open and JOHN and SHERLOCK stride into the restaurant, mid-bicker. IRENE slinks through a few paces behind.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, _that_ was a good use of all our afternoons.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, you were going to be in there anyway, at least I got some free tutoring time out of it.

IRENE ADLER

Glad _one_ of us got lucky.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You were free to review your course work as well.

JOHN WATSON

(rounding on IRENE)

Yeah, we wouldn't have even got detention in the first place if it wasn't for you!

IRENE ADLER

And you just had to join us, didn't you, John. What's the matter, get jealous?

JOHN WATSON

What's that supposed to mean?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

There was no need for you to get involved, John. I was already getting detention, but you didn't have to risk your own Friday afternoon. It was needless and ultimately quite foolish, both in conception and execution.

JOHN WATSON

Well then, I guess I should have just left you two alone for your little date.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Don't be ridiculous. As much as it may surprise you to learn, reviewing basic chemistry with Irene while Anderson skulks around is not my idea of a date.

JOHN WATSON

And what, exactly, is your idea of a date?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(with a shrug)

It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun. 

JOHN WATSON

Ha, right. Fun. I could use a little of that tonight. All work and no play make John a dull boy.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I'd hardly categorize what you did today as 'all work'.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, I worked hard this afternoon! You were there, you drilled me. I think I've earned a break.

IRENE ADLER

Boy, boys! Enough.

They've arrived at the corner booth, where SALLY is sitting by herself, scribbling in her notebook at triple speed. 

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Looks like someone else needs a break.

She slides into the booth across from SALLY, and SHERLOCK sits down next to her, in the spot he usually takes. JOHN hesitates, looking at SALLY by herself on one side of the table, books spread out around her, and back to SHERLOCK and IRENE, and the empty space next to SHERLOCK. After a beat, he grabs a chair and plonks down at the end, slightly angled towards SHERLOCK.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Hello? Sally?

SALLY DONOVAN

Just a second, I'm in the middle of...

She trails off, muttering facts under her breath as her pen tries to keep up.

JOHN WATSON

Where's everyone else?

SALLY DONOVAN

(without looking up)

Lestrade and Molly left a while ago. Something about Friday night and needing to get out.

JOHN WATSON

(eying her warily)

Yeah, I can see why they might not want to hang around here. Did they say where they were going?

SALLY DONOVAN

Uh...

She flips through her textbook, eyes rapidly scanning the pages until she finds what she's looking for, and quickly jots down another note.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Movie, I think. I wasn't really paying attention.

JOHN looks from SALLY's energetic studying to SHERLOCK and IRENE.

JOHN WATSON

After the week I've had, a movie doesn't sound half bad. Whaddya say, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I told you earlier, experiment. I really should get back to it, our unanticipated after-school activities have already taken up enough of my time.

He makes to leave, and JOHN stands too.

JOHN WATSON

Aw, c'mon. It's just a movie, you'll be home in time for dinner.

(at SHERLOCK's look)

Not that you'll be eating dinner, of course. Look, we can spoil our appetites on popcorn and nachos, and you can tell me all the ways the plot is unrealistic and predictable and how cars don't burst into flames at the slightest touch, and I can enjoy two hours of high-speed chases and gnarly explosions. It'll be fun!

SHERLOCK rolls his eyes, but it's purely for show.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 _Fine_. But I'm going home right after.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, yeah, no problem. Once my old man gets back from the base and hears about my stint in detention, I'll be stuck at home this weekend too.

They head to the door, so intent on each other that they don't bother saying goodbye to the girls.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

That reminds me, we still need to plan our little break-in. I'm pretty sure I can sneak out Sunday since Dad's usually back up at base by then, but tomorrow night I'll be grounded for sure. Think you can come by my place instead?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, I'll have to reorder some of my time-dependent experiments, and I have extended observation hours scheduled at the hives for mating season, but they settle down by sunset, so there shouldn't be a conflict. Typically, my parents don't bother with 'grounding', given my disinclination to participate in most teenage social activities — at most they may confiscate my microscope for a few hours — but it's a moot point as they will be out all night.

His breaks into a delighted grin.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

With Mycroft. An afternoon of detention is nothing compared to an evening out with them. _Musical theater_.

He shudders at the thought.

JOHN WATSON

Great, I'll tell my folks you're coming by to study for finals. That should keep 'em off my back for a bit. 

 

So, movies. How do you feel about Lethal Weapon... _THREE?!!_

SHERLOCK sighs and follows JOHN out the door. IRENE, who had been observing their interaction with a sly smile, turns back to SALLY.

IRENE ADLER

Friday _and_ Saturday night plans? Maybe there's hope for those two after all. 

SALLY DONOVAN

(distractedly)

Hmmm?

IRENE ADLER

They just needed a little push in the right direction.

She looks exceedingly smug. SALLY is still focused on her textbook.

SALLY DONOVAN

Sorry, what was that? Who's pushing who?

IRENE ADLER

Oh, nothing. So, what about you, any weekend plans?

SALLY DONOVAN

You're looking at it.

IRENE reaches across the table and grabs SALLY's notebook.

SALLY DONOVAN

Hey!

IRENE ADLER

(flipping through it)

Calculus, World History, Comparative Literature, Chemistry. At least half your finals overlap with mine. How would you feel about having a study partner?

SALLY stares at her, frustration turning to confusion.

SALLY DONOVAN

What, you?

IRENE ADLER

Why not me? You said yourself that I'm clever enough, and my other attempts at wooing a study partner have been falling rather flat. You're clearly overworked, stuck in your own head, and I doubt copying the entire textbook word-for-word is doing you any good.

IRENE waves the notebook in front of her face, and SALLY snatches it back.

SALLY DONOVAN

I'm just being thorough.

IRENE ADLER

Well, let's be thorough together. You'll get a lot more out of quizzing me and explaining the things I get wrong than you will from just staring at pages and pages of notes until you can't see straight.

SALLY blinks a few times and shakes her head.

SALLY DONOVAN

How did you know... I mean, I'm fine. Just a little tired.

Contrary to her words, she practically vibrates with jittery energy, though there are dark circles under her eyes.

IRENE ADLER

I know what you need: a good old-fashioned slumber party!

SALLY looks at her like she's lost her mind.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Or, study party, if that's easier for you to justify. Slumber-slash-study party... sludy party? Whatever. My place, tomorrow night. We can go through the practice tests together and pig out on pizza and ice cream and fall asleep to awful late night movies. It'll be great!

SALLY DONOVAN

I don't know about the movies, but I guess the rest sounds... okay. As long as you'll really study!

IRENE ADLER

Yes, yes, lots of studying, I promise.

She crosses her heart and solemnly holds out her pinkie. SALLY looks at it and giggles.

SALLY DONOVAN

I haven't done a pinkie promise since elementary school.

IRENE ADLER

And you haven't cracked a smile in weeks. Come on, it won't bite.

She wiggles her finger, and SALLY laughs again.

SALLY DONOVAN

You win.

She links pinkies with IRENE, who grins back at her.

IRENE ADLER

That's more like it! Tomorrow night?

SALLY DONOVAN

Tomorrow night.

UPBEAT MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lethal Weapon 3 sets this episode in late May of 1992. Though we're going to skip the movie scene, it's my headcanon that they bickered the whole way to the movie theater - John wanted to see [Lethal Weapon 3](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lethal_Weapon_3) for the buddy cop vibe and the crazy action sequences, while Sherlock argued for [Basic Instinct](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basic_Instinct) because of the homicide detective protagonist and murder mystery intrigue. By the time they got to the theater, both movies were sold out, and they somehow ended up seeing [Far and Away](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_and_Away) (which Sherlock absolutely did NOT tear up during).


	10. Act 2, Scene 4

FADE IN:

INT. JOHN'S ROOM, SATURDAY NIGHT.

JOHN's bedroom is cleaner than that of the average teenage boy, certainly neater than might be expected given his flippant attitude and frequent hijinks at school. His bookshelves are ordered, his bed made with crisp hospital corners, and other than a few stray socks on the floor, everything is in its place. JOHN is sitting at his desk, skimming through his Chemistry textbook.

Three sharp raps at the door make JOHN jump in his seat, spine suddenly at attention. The door is flung open, MAJOR WATSON strides in, and JOHN quickly scrabbles to his feet.

MAJOR WATSON

What's the meaning of this mess?

He looks pointedly at the socks on the floor.

JOHN WATSON

Sorry, sir, I was just studying for my finals.

He gestures to the open book on his desk.

MAJOR WATSON

So when you took off your socks, you were _too busy_ studying to put them where they belonged?

JOHN WATSON

No, sir. Sorry sir.

MAJOR WATSON looks at the socks again, and JOHN leaps into action, scooping them up and stuffing them into the laundry bin in his closet. He hurries back to stand in front of his father, whose steely gaze is still locked on him.

MAJOR WATSON

You're already grounded, don't make me take away your visiting privileges too. 

JOHN WATSON

No, sir, I won't.

MAJOR WATSON

(over his shoulder)

 _Holmes!_ You can come in.

SHERLOCK enters, heavy backpack slung on one shoulder. He looks neither perturbed nor surprised by MAJOR WATSON's tone of voice.

MAJOR WATSON

(to JOHN)

 _Study_ privileges.

JOHN WATSON

Yes sir.

MAJOR WATSON

(to SHERLOCK)

You are here to study, not get my son into more trouble.

SHERLOCK drops the full backpack to the floor with a thud.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Obviously. 

MAJOR WATSON glares at him, and JOHN kicks SHERLOCK in the shin. SHERLOCK winces in pain and shoots JOHN a dirty look before turning back to MAJOR WATSON.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Understood, Mr. Watson.

MAJOR WATSON

Good. Well, better get to it.

JOHN WATSON

Yes sir, we will.

MAJOR WATSON nods briskly and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. JOHN lets out a huge sigh of relief and relaxes into his normal posture.

JOHN WATSON

Ugh, finally. Would it kill you to be more polite?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I don't see why it matters, he's not _my_ father.

JOHN WATSON

Because I don't want to get into any more trouble!

SHERLOCK frowns.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Why would you get into trouble for my manners?

JOHN WATSON

(scoffs)

Have you met the Major? Not exactly the most easy-going guy.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

He enforces strict adherence to the rules, but he is logical, and lives by the chain of command. He would not punish someone for the offenses of another, and I am not in his realm to punish.

JOHN WATSON

Well, he could've kicked you out.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Not when he'd already called me in, after making me wait in the hall and brokering a deal with you. Also, he _is_ concerned for your studies — or more accurately, concerned that you have a decent record upon graduation. He wouldn't pass up free tutoring for you.

JOHN WATSON

Must be nice, having him all figured out.

SHERLOCK shrugs.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

He's very easy to predict. Rule-oriented people are. _Boring_.

JOHN WATSON

Well, boring or not, he has complete power over my life.

JOHN flops down onto his bed, and stares up at the ceiling. SHERLOCK perches on the bed next to him.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

That's hardly true. You're home on average fourteen hours a day, eight of which are spent sleeping. Your father comes here on weekends, roughly forty-five hours a week. Even when grounded, that's only seventeen percent of your waking hours cohabiting. Normal weeks, it's less than ten percent.

JOHN WATSON

That's not what I meant.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, if you want to get technical about it, you are eighteen and legally an adult, so in fact he has zero power over your life.

JOHN WATSON

I wish it were that easy. You don't know what it's like.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You're right.

JOHN sits up in surprise at this admission.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I don't know what it's like to be eighteen, but I know when I am, I am going to live my life according to my rules.

JOHN sags back onto his elbows.

JOHN WATSON

You already do that.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

True.

He grins at JOHN.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Well then, even more so.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

God help us all!

(to SHERLOCK)

You're lucky, you'll be off at Stanford when you turn eighteen. No parents, total freedom. It's different when you're living at home.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You won't be for much longer either.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah...I guess not.

He doesn't sound enthused, and they sit in silence for a beat.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(hesitantly)

Have you picked a school yet?

JOHN WATSON

I'm not like you, Sherlock. I can't just pick a school and expect to go there. I got into most of the schools I applied to, but I'd need nearly full scholarships to pay for them, and my grades just aren't enough. Becoming a doctor takes a lot of schooling, and we're not like your family — I don't have a trust fund, or even a college fund really. It's community college or military grants, and as far as medical training goes, well. Military doesn't sound so bad if they pay for my education.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

The military? Really?

JOHN WATSON

My dad would approve. He's been on me to sign up for months. My whole life, actually.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

But what do you want to do?

JOHN WATSON

I want to be a doctor. I'll do whatever it takes to get there, even if it means owing some years to the service. It's not like I have other options.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You said yourself, community college. You're smart, smart enough to become a doctor, a good one too. Surely you'd be able to secure a scholarship for a transfer school if you really applied yourself. I know you can work hard when you're not beholden to imbeciles like Anderson.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, well, military seems like the safer option.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 _Safer?_ After what just happened with Iraq?

JOHN WATSON

My dad's been in the Navy his whole life, and never seen any real action. I'm sure it'll be fine.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Taking orders all the time, obeying the rules...

He shudders.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Sounds awful to me.

JOHN WATSON

I'm kind of used to it.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, and you were just complaining about it too. You realize the actual military will be worse?

JOHN WATSON

Look, can you just drop it? It's not like talking about it will make a difference.

There is a long, tense silence. JOHN stares off at the side wall, while SHERLOCK looks down at his lap, fiddling with his cuticles. Finally, JOHN shakes himself and turns to SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON

Well, I won't graduate at all if I don't pass Anderson's class.

He sits up and claps his hands together.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

So, what's the plan?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(blankly)

The plan?

JOHN WATSON

I know you didn't actually come here to help me study. Sunday night?

A fire sparks in SHERLOCK's eyes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, the plan!

He drags his backpack closer to the bed and starts rummaging through it as he speaks rapidly.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

We'll meet at Bayside at eight-thirty, late enough that you should be done with dinner and able to sneak away, but not so late as to arouse excessive suspicion if anyone sees us near the premises. Still, try to be subtle. We wouldn't want to draw undue attention.

He tosses a black knit cap and a long-sleeved black shirt at JOHN, who examines them skeptically.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, winter wear in seventy-degree weather. Subtle.

SHERLOCK ignores him.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

The school premises will be open, certain staff doing end-of-term office work, but this will work to our favor, as the door alarms won't be turned on until ten. 

He pulls out a roll of paper from his bag, and unfurls a floor plan of Bayside.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

If we enter through the back door on the eastern side of the school, we should have a clear path to Anderson's classroom.

He traces the line of attack as he speaks.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

The cafeteria will be empty, student bathrooms, storage closet, science labs. It's possible another science teacher will be around, but Anderson's classroom is at the end of the hall, so they shouldn't have a reason to venture past their own rooms. An acceptable risk. Plus, I'll have a lookout.

He winks at JOHN.

JOHN WATSON

Lookout? How did I get demoted to lookout?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's only logical, since I'll be the one picking the lock. Unless you've somehow perfected your lock picking skills in the past forty-eight hours?

JOHN WATSON

Hmmm, let's see here... 

(pretending to think)

Well, between school and detention and cramming for finals, it must have slipped my mind.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Good thing you have me then. 

He rolls up the floor plan and stows it away.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

And there's no reason for both of us to go into Anderson's room just to place a single envelope on his desk.

JOHN WATSON

Fine, but I want a cooler name. Lookout sounds lame, like I'm your sidekick or something.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Chief Surveillance Operative?

JOHN WATSON

Better. Oooh, how about Super Spy Alpha? Or we could have code names, like Prowling Panther and Eagle Eye.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Must they include alliteration?

JOHN WATSON

You just don't understand the life of a Super Spy. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I still haven't forgiven you for dragging me to that Roger Moore marathon.

JOHN WATSON

Hey! Say what you will about Eagle Eye, but you are not allowed to badmouth Bond in my house.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's completely ridiculous, all those car chases and gunfights and tuxedos. An actual spy would never be that flashy.

JOHN holds up the black knit hat.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, and _this_ is the epitome of spy wear. Being a Super Spy is all about being smooth and classy. Plus, chicks dig a man in a tux.

He waggles his eyebrows at SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Speaking of which, why aren't you going to prom?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I told you, I'm busy.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah right, you were busy tonight too, and you still managed to come over here. What is it really? Don't know how to dance?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(affronted)

I know how to dance! I took top place in a ballroom competition when I was ten, I'm more than proficient.

JOHN WATSON

Of course. Is there anything you aren't good at? 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Suspension of disbelief when subjected to the inane plots of bad spy films?

JOHN WATSON

I'll pretend I didn't hear that. So what then... forced to dance as a child, can't stand it anymore?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(more quietly)

Actually, I like dancing. Always have.

JOHN WATSON

Well then, you _have_ to come to prom! No better place for dancing.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's not really the same kind of dancing.

JOHN WATSON

It's all just knowing how to move to the music, isn't it? Plus there are slow dances, they're pretty similar to ballroom. In fact, you could probably teach me a thing or two. I don't know anything about real dancing.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I—I don't know. It wouldn't be the same. And anyway, everyone's already got plans for it, and I have things to do on my own.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah right, staying home alone with your experiments. You do that _every_ night. Come on, live a little! And don't worry about making plans, the Prom Court is doing dinner at Angelo's, and anyone's invited to join. There's room in our limo, so you don't even have to get a ride.

He nudges SHERLOCK with his shoulder.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

I'll even save a dance for you. Whaddya say?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(with mock exasperation)

Fine. But you'd better not step on my feet.

JOHN WATSON

(laughing)

No promises! I have no idea how to do those formal dances. 

He looks at SHERLOCK, considering.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Actually, that's not a bad idea. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(suspiciously)

What?

JOHN WATSON

You, teaching me how to dance.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

As if tutoring you yesterday in Chemistry wasn't enough. I'm not your private instructor, John.

JOHN WATSON

No, this is perfect. 

He jumps up and goes over to the boombox sitting on his bookshelf, and starts skimming through tapes.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Molly and I are going to have to do some sort of slow dance after we're crowned King and Queen, it's this stupid tradition they have where everyone watches us dance. I was feeling kinda nervous about it, to be honest, but if you show me some basic moves, like how to lead without trampling all over her, it'll help take some pressure off me. I've got enough of that as it is. Hey, what kind of music do we need? Would Depeche Mode work?

SHERLOCK makes a dismissive noise and starts searching for something in his backpack.

JOHN WATSON

Well, it's that or INXS. By My Side is pretty slow...

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You are _not_ learning how to waltz with pop music.

JOHN WATSON

You have something better? 

Triumphantly, SHERLOCK pulls his walkman out of his bag, retrieves the cassette, and stalks over to the boombox.

JOHN WATSON

Be my guest.

He leaves SHERLOCK to fiddle with the tape deck, and goes to lock his bedroom door. He looks around the room, and hurries over to the window to yank the curtains shut.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(without looking up from the boombox)

Really, John. Who's going to be looking in through the windows?

JOHN WATSON

Trust me, you can't be too careful with Major Watson around, and Harry's been known to spy.

SHERLOCK doesn't reply, but pushes play, and music spills from the small speakers. It's just two violins, one plucking out a steady rhythm while the other plays the melody, but the rich sonorous sounds of the duet seem to fill the space. He turns to face JOHN, who's waiting in the middle of the room.

JOHN WATSON

So...what do I do?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

First, we need to get your frame right. 

JOHN WATSON

My what?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Your body — posture, hand positions, that sort of thing. Here, hold your left hand up like this.

JOHN raises his left hand to mirror SHERLOCK's right, and SHERLOCK slips his hand into JOHN's.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Then your right hand goes at the base of my left shoulder blade.

JOHN reaches up to comply, then tilts his head and squints a little.

JOHN WATSON

Right, but you're a lot taller than Molly, so it'd be lower, yeah?

He slides his hand down to rest at the small of SHERLOCK's back.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Maybe like that?

SHERLOCK swallows, and nods in response. He carefully places his left hand on JOHN's shoulder.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

At the right height, your elbows would be out, arms aligned and almost parallel to the floor.

He demonstrates the correct position before letting his arm angle down to rest along JOHN's.

JOHN WATSON

(with a chuckle)

I doubt whatever we'll be dancing to next week will be all that formal. I'm sure this is fine.

SHERLOCK nods again. They just stand there for a moment.

JOHN WATSON

Now what?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Waltzes are composed in three-quarter time, and each beat coordinates with a pair of steps. Our feet follow the shape of a box—

He looks down at their feet, and JOHN follows suit.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—and you lead with your left foot. So take a step forward, and I'll step back.

They move together unsteadily.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Now your right foot comes forward, but over to the right too, so you have a wider stance, the top right corner of the box.

JOHN nods and steps forward with his right foot.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Good, that's the first beat. Now your left foot moves across to meet your right, and your right foot takes a step back.

JOHN tries to follow the directions, but steps forward again with his right foot, right on SHERLOCK's toes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Backwards, John, backwards!

JOHN WATSON

Right, sorry, sorry.

He quickly takes a couple steps back.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Let's start again. Left foot forward, right foot forward and to the right.

It's less hesitant, but not by much.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Left foot over, right foot back.

JOHN manages this time, and looks pleased.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

And for the last beat, your left foot goes back and to the left...

He waits until JOHN follows his direction.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

...and then bring your right foot over to meet it. There, we're back where we started now.

JOHN WATSON

I think I get it. Can we try again?

They go through the steps very slowly a few more times, completing the circuit more smoothly with each pass.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

All right, I think you're ready to start moving on the beats. This song has a fairly slow tempo, so I think you should be able to manage. Close your eyes.

JOHN complies.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Listen to the rhythm of the music. Can you hear the beats?

JOHN cocks head, as if trying very hard to hear. He shakes his head.

JOHN WATSON

Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's the rhythm of the song, like a pulse. **One** -two-three, **one** -two-three, **one** -two-three. Even though the melody varies, the underlying structure is there. Do you see?

JOHN nods, eyes still closed.

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, I think I can hear it now. **One** -two-three, **one** -two-three... okay, I've got it.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Do you want to try moving to the beat? Start on the one.

JOHN keeps his eyes closed, counting the beats under his breath. After he's got the rhythm again, he takes a step forward, SHERLOCK following his lead. It's jerky and stiff, but he completes the circuit, and then again, and by the third time they're moving together as a single unit.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of it! What song is this, by the way? 

SHERLOCK blushes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Just a song.

JOHN WATSON

I don't know much about classical music, but this is beautiful.

He opens his eyes and beams up at SHERLOCK, his face lit up with a dazzling smile.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I-it's nothing.

SHERLOCK's voice cracks on the last syllable, and he turns crimson. He stops abruptly, and JOHN bumps into him, then takes a half-step back, brow furrowed in confusion. SHERLOCK drops his hands and turns away.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Well, there you are. 

He's already picked up his backpack and is scurrying to the door, deliberately avoiding eye contact.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I am sure that will be more than adequate for a high school dance.

He yanks at the door knob, wrestling with it for a few seconds before remembering that it's locked. He quickly turns the lock and throws open the door, practically tripping over his own feet in his haste.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

See you tomorrow.

He's out the door before he's even finished speaking. JOHN's left standing in the middle of his room, looking at the empty doorway, the last notes of the achingly sweet melody still ringing in the air.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

What was all _that_ about?

MINOR KEY MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Sherlock references "what just happened with Iraq" he's of course referring to the [Gulf War](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulf_War) (1990-1991) aka Operation Desert Storm. 
> 
> The Depeche Mode album John suggests is [Violator](https://youtu.be/K8imDUef-vo?list=PLiBDZv9jRpwMUq2l6ghmTMYPiQAr1LUI4) (1990), and the INXS song [By My Side](https://youtu.be/2CXUcihuVJc) (also 1990 ~ the lyrics... be still, my Johnlock heart!)
> 
> As to the actual song they dance to, well, it doesn't _really_ exist, though I imagine it's something like [this](https://youtu.be/Gi_PV5umdio) (but performed by two violins *^_^*)


	11. Act 2, Scene 5

FADE IN: 

INT. IRENE'S ROOM, SATURDAY NIGHT.

The bedroom is sleek and modern, like IRENE herself. The decor is tasteful and color coordinated, with a distinctly adult feel. The only sign that it's a teenager's room are the posters that adorn the walls, though even those are stylish pinups of fashion models and aesthetic icons like Marilyn Monroe and Betty Page. IRENE is sprawled on her bed, listlessly turning pages in a textbook, while SALLY pores over her notes.

SALLY DONOVAN

So, calculus! Let's try some practice problems, there's a section on page two seventy-nine.

IRENE ADLER

Calculus...right. 

She closes the textbook and opens another one, looking even less enthused. 

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Ugh, all these numbers and squiggly symbols make my vision go fuzzy. Do we have to?

SALLY DONOVAN

Hey, you're the one who invited me over to study!

IRENE ADLER

Yeah, but _calculus_... it's not like I'm ever going to need math once I graduate.

SALLY DONOVAN

Of course you'll need math!

IRENE scoffs.

IRENE ADLER

For fashion design? I don't think so. Science is pretty useless too. All in all, _high school_ is useless. I wish it could just be over already so I can get on with my life.

SALLY DONOVAN

You'll definitely need math, when you're calculating things like how much square yardage you'll need for a ball gown, or how to scale up a design for high yield production with minimum waste. And there's all sorts of measurements and geometry that goes into garment construction. As for science, with modern manufacturing techniques and innovations, you'll need to keep up on material sciences, to know what choices best suit your new designs, what's cutting edge and what's obsolete.

IRENE ADLER

I doubt it's as complicated as all that.

SALLY DONOVAN

Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt you to stretch your brain a bit. You're sharp and talented, I know you can do anything you put your mind to... why not actually try for once?

IRENE ADLER

Because it's still _boring_.

SALLY DONOVAN

Let's get through a few practice questions, and then maybe we can think of a way to make it more fun.

IRENE eyes her skeptically, but flips to the page.

SALLY DONOVAN

Okay, the first few are pretty basic, so let's start with number five.

IRENE ADLER

I'd rather ask you questions.

SALLY DONOVAN

Sure, though I've already done all of this set.

IRENE ADLER

No, I mean like truth or dare.

SALLY rolls her eyes.

SALLY DONOVAN

What are we, twelve? And you need to study, and I need to review.

IRENE ADLER

Aw, come on, it'll be fun. This _is_ a slumber party after all.

SALLY DONOVAN

Slumber-study party.

IRENE ADLER

Sluddy party.

IRENE giggles, and after a second, SALLY does too.

SALLY DONOVAN

Fine, I'll make a deal with you. For every question you get right, I'll answer one of your stupid questions.

IRENE ADLER

Deal.

IRENE immediately turns to her textbook, utterly focused. SALLY writes out the problem and solution in her notebook too, going through the process almost by rote. After a few moments of intense concentration, IRENE scribbles some numbers down and shoves her notebook at SALLY.

SALLY DONOVAN

(almost surprised)

That's right!

She smiles at IRENE, who grins back at her.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

See, I _knew_ you could do it, if you really tried. You've always been smart, you just don't apply yourself.

IRENE ADLER

Oh, I apply myself, when properly motivated.

Her grin turns sly, and her eyes sharpen.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Okay, my turn. Truth or Dare?

SALLY DONOVAN

Like I'd accept a dare from you! Truth.

IRENE gives a faux moue, but she clearly already had a question in mind.

IRENE ADLER

Fine, _truth_. Who...

She pauses dramatically.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

...do you want to go with to prom?

SALLY DONOVAN

Prom? Really? You're thinking about _prom_ right now?!!

IRENE ADLER

It _is_ next weekend. You said you didn't have a date, or I assumed you didn't based on how little you want to discuss it. I'm curious why.

SALLY DONOVAN

I haven't been thinking about prom lately! Are you kidding? I've got seven finals next week, three of them back-to-back, and I _need_ to ace all of them and it's the most important time of my life because we're graduating and maybe I'll be valedictorian and that would really look good on college scholarship applications and then maybe I can afford Berkley without working two jobs and if I go there it will determine my whole future! How could _anyone_ be thinking about a stupid dance at a time like this?!!

Her words increase in speed and pitch as they pour out of her until she finally has to pause to take a gasping breath. Her hands are fisted in her hair and her eyes are wide and harried. IRENE reaches out a tentative hand and pats her shoulder soothingly.

IRENE ADLER

Whoa, calm down for a second, Sally. It's going to be okay. Here, deep breaths.

IRENE takes deep, slow breaths in through her nose and sighing out her mouth, her hand moving in steady circles on SALLY's back, until SALLY's breathing starts to even out, matching IRENE's rhythm. She finally loosens her grip on her hair and lets her hands fall to her lap.

IRENE ADLER

There we go. It's not so bad. You're the hardest working person I know, and you have an incredible future ahead of you.

SALLY DONOVAN

Thanks. Sorry about that.

She blushes, visibly embarrassed by her outburst.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

I know I can be a little intense. I've just been so focused on finals lately, it's all I can think about.

IRENE ADLER

You're passionate and driven and want to make a difference in the world... there's nothing to feel bad about! But even you need to take a break sometimes, blow off some steam. And just think about it: all our finals will be done by this time next week, and we'll be celebrating at our Senior Prom.

She gives SALLY an encouraging smile. SALLY nods back, somewhat mollified.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Still... you didn't answer my question...

IRENE's hand is still absently stroking SALLY's shoulder.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

I get that it hasn't been on your mind at all, but right now, at this moment, if you could go to prom with anyone, who would you choose?

SALLY looks thoughtfully at IRENE for a long moment, then sighs.

SALLY DONOVAN

Honestly, I'm not sure. I've always put school first. I've only ever really dated one person, and _that_ was a complete disaster.

She shakes her head ruefully.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

I wouldn't have even dated him, except Lestrade was so damn persistent, I decided to give him a shot. I mean, we were friends, and he's cute enough, in a jock-y sort of way. But we all know how that turned out. I guess after that, it never seemed worth it to me to pursue anyone. It's a lot of time and energy, you know? And most high school guys are intimidated by a woman who's smarter than them. Having people call me loud, obnoxious, bossy, kiss-up, teacher's pet... 

She ticks the insults off on her fingers, but doesn't look particularly upset, reciting them dispassionately like memorized facts. 

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

...well, that's not exactly a turn-on, is it?

IRENE ADLER

Don't forget feminist!

SALLY DONOVAN

Right, the worst insult of them all!

They both chuckle.

SALLY DONOVAN

I guess when it comes down to it, I'd just like to go with someone who knows the real me, and accepts me as I am, not how they want me to be.

IRENE ADLER

For what it's worth, I think you're a catch.

SALLY DONOVAN

Thanks.

They smile at each other for a beat, before SALLY looks away. IRENE drops her hand awkwardly to the bed.

SALLY DONOVAN

Right...where were we?

She scans her notebook as if looking for something to say.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Oh yes, _you_ were about to answer the next question.

IRENE groans, but picks up her textbook again.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

And while you're doing that, I need to run to the restroom.

IRENE nods to the door of the en suite.

IRENE ADLER

Be my guest.

SALLY exits, leaving IRENE alone on the bed. She looks at the problem, brow knitted in concentration.

IRENE ADLER

Shoot, they want a graph.

(calling to SALLY)

Do you have any graph paper?

SALLY DONOVAN (O.S.)

What? I can't hear you, just a second.

IRENE looks around the room, and spies SALLY's backpack at the foot of her bed.

IRENE ADLER

(calling back)

Never mind!

She grabs the bag, and starts digging through it.

IRENE ADLER

It's got to be in here somewhere... she'd never leave anything behind...

With an exasperated huff, she upends the bag, spilling papers, textbooks, and binders on the ground. A small plastic bottle bounces off a notebook and rolls across the floor, stopping a few feet from the bed, and IRENE gets up to retrieve it. Her face darkens as she examines the label.

IRENE ADLER

Caffeine... ephedrine... phenylpropanolamine?

SALLY DONOVAN

(opening the door)

What was that you were asking me? I couldn't—

She sees the pill bottle in IRENE's hand and freezes. With fear in her eyes, she looks up to meet IRENE's steely gaze.

IRENE ADLER

 _What_ are these?

DRAMATIC BUMPER.

END SCENE. 

END ACT 2.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK](https://youtu.be/8Q51Q7N2ANk).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE FINALLY MADE IT TO OUR SECOND [COMMERCIAL BREAK](https://youtu.be/8Q51Q7N2ANk)!!! I have been [SO EXCITED](https://31.media.tumblr.com/0a18f6de8da03204e8167f87f616c8de/tumblr_inline_nwycm9k4w11skoetw_500.gif) to share this chapter with you *^_^* 
> 
> Some 90s drug culture history ~ the early 90s had quite the diet pill craze, where over-the-counter cocktails of caffeine-laced amphetamine analogs were sold under the guise of weight-loss aids. Ephedra (ephedrine) and PPA (phenylpropanolamine) were later put under stricter control after some users, mainly young women, suffered strokes or heart attacks, some resulting in death. Of course, the SBTB episode _Jessie's Song_ sanitized the issue for a young after-school audience, but caffeine pills were clearly a stand-in for the more serious legal drugs on the market at the time. If you've seen any SBTB, you've probably seen this episode, and if not, I highly recommend checking out [this scene](https://youtu.be/bflYjF90t7c) (tw drugs, of course!) - and then read [this hilarious recap](http://savedbythebellblog.com/2003/05/29/jessies-about-to-lose-control-and-i-think-i-like-it/) of the episode (it's vastly superior to actually watching the episode *^_^*)


	12. Act 3, Scene 1

INT. IRENE'S ROOM, SATURDAY NIGHT.

DRAMATIC INTRO BUMPER.

SALLY is frozen in place, staring at the pill bottle in IRENE's hand. She meets IRENE's steely gaze with fear in her eyes.

IRENE ADLER

 _What_ are these? 

SALLY forces a smile.

SALLY DONOVAN

Oh those? Just an energy supplement.

She crosses to IRENE.

IRENE ADLER

 _Energy_ supplement?

SALLY DONOVAN

Yeah, you know. Healthy body, healthy mind. Helps me study.

She makes to grab for the bottle, but IRENE evades her.

IRENE ADLER

Oh, I'll bet. A little ginseng, some antioxidants, _vitamin C?_

SALLY DONOVAN

Exactly.

She lunges for the bottle again, but IRENE spins away, and jumps on the bed, out of reach.

IRENE ADLER

(reading the label)

Two hundred milligrams of caffeine, ephedrine, and something called phenylpropanolamine? Yeah, really healthy.

(eyeing SALLY)

How long have you been taking these?

SALLY DONOVAN

Not long, just a couple here and there, when I need an extra boost. They're just as safe as coffee!

IRENE ADLER

Safe as _coffee?_ You do know that ephedrine is basically speed!

She shakes the bottle, then empties it in her palm, a scant handful of small white pills.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

A couple here and there... I'm no math whiz like you, but I'd guess there aren't more than a dozen left.

She stares down at SALLY with frightening intensity.

IRENE ADLER

How long?

SALLY DONOVAN

I...I don't know. Maybe a few weeks? Just when I need to focus, just to help me concentrate.

She reaches for the pills in IRENE's hand, but IRENE makes a fist and holds it behind her back.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

No, you've got to give them back! Just a few more days. It's almost the end, I'm so close to being done. Please, I need them!

IRENE grabs SALLY's chin with her other hand and looks in her eyes.

IRENE ADLER

No, Sally, listen to me. You are brilliant and you can do this on your own. You don't need these. You've got everything you need right here.

She rubs her thumb up SALLY's cheek to stroke her temple. SALLY shakes away, tears springing to her eyes.

SALLY DONOVAN

No, you don't understand! You don't know what it's like! You have no idea what this kind of pressure feels like, you've had everything handed to you on a silver platter, you're already going to the college of your choice with a full ride courtesy of Daddy, you can't know what it's like to work and study and try so hard to just _make_ it, and not know if it will be enough, and maybe it will _never_ be enough, and please, Irene, _please..._

Her breath hitches, her voice cracking as it grows more manic.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Just one or two more, just a couple to tide me through the weekend, one last push and then I'll be done, I promise!

IRENE slowly shakes her head, eyes welling up with wetness now too.

IRENE ADLER

You don't want to do it like this. I know you, Sally. You are smart, and strong, and _good_. I know you want to do what's right, and believe me, you won't feel right about this. Not in the end.

SALLY lets out a wracking sob and collapses on the bed.

SALLY DONOVAN

I-I-I know. I j-just don't know what to d-do.

She's hiccuping and sobbing and breaking apart at the seams. 

IRENE ADLER

I do.

She jumps down from the bed and strides into the en suite. The sound of the toilet flushing echoes from the next room, and IRENE returns to the room, empty-handed. SALLY looks up at at her with tear-stained cheeks and desperate eyes.

SALLY DONOVAN

I'm so scared.

IRENE sits next to her on the bed and puts her arm around SALLY's shaking shoulders.

IRENE ADLER

I'm here. 

SALLY goes limp, slumps into IRENE and cries into her chest. IRENE wraps her arms around SALLY and holds her close. When SALLY's sobs subside to sniffles, IRENE presses a kiss to the top of her head.

IRENE ADLER

There...everything's going to be okay.

SALLY shakes her head.

SALLY DONOVAN

How can you say that? I just had a total meltdown while studying... what if I freak out during my tests? 

IRENE ADLER

You won't.

SALLY DONOVAN

You don't know that. 

IRENE ADLER

I know you. You'll be amazing.

SALLY looks up at her, eyes slightly wide with awe.

SALLY DONOVAN

How do you do it? How can you be so calm and collected and sure?

IRENE strokes a hand over SALLY's hair, brushes it back from her face, and smiles.

IRENE ADLER

I have faith in you. And I know worrying about what-ifs doesn't make the future any better... it just makes the present worse.

SALLY's mouth ticks up the slightest bit.

SALLY DONOVAN

When'd you get to be so wise?

IRENE ADLER

I have it on good authority that I'm clever, when I put my mind to it.

She winks at SALLY, who can't help a little smile in return.

SALLY DONOVAN

True. 

(with a sigh)

I'm sorry that I ruined the night. I've just been feeling so overwhelmed lately... it's hard, trying to be the best at everything, I don't know how to manage it all at once.

There's tension creeping into her voice again, and IRENE resumes her gentle caresses. 

IRENE ADLER

You don't have to do it all on your own. Study partners, right?

SALLY nods, and leans back on IRENE's shoulder.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Who remind you that it's okay to take study breaks, too. And anytime you're feeling stressed out or overwhelmed, you can call me up or come over. I'll always listen.

SALLY DONOVAN

Thank you, Irene. It...it means a lot to me. 

She sighs again, and it turns into a yawn.

SALLY DONOVAN

Sorry... I don't know what's the matter, but I'm suddenly so tired.

IRENE ADLER

Well, you're coming down off stimulants and just had a good cry, I'd say you're overdue for a crash.

SALLY DONOVAN

But...the study party...

IRENE ADLER

 _Slumber_ -study party. And I think it's time to focus on the slumber part for a while. You're all studied out. Here.

With SALLY still propped on her shoulder, IRENE shoves the rest of their books on the floor and guides SALLY to lie down with her on the bed. SALLY curls herself around IRENE, her head pillowed on her chest.

SALLY DONOVAN

(sleepily)

What about you? You need to study.

IRENE ADLER

We can study in the morning. You need your rest.

SALLY DONOVAN

But it was your turn to answer a question.

IRENE ADLER

(petting SALLY's hair)

You can ask me all the questions you want in the morning.

SALLY nods drowsily, already drifting off. IRENE keeps petting her hair until her eyes stay shut and her breathing slows into the steady rhythm of sleep. She presses her lips to SALLY's forehead, then reaches behind her to flick off the light.

IRENE ADLER

Sweet dreams. 

GENTLE MUSICAL BUMPER.

CROSS DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. IRENE'S ROOM, SUNDAY MORNING.

IRENE and SALLY are entangled together on IRENE's bed, even more entwined than when they fell asleep. SALLY stirs, and blinks her eyes open. She lifts her head from IRENE's chest to look up at her peaceful face. With rapt attention, she watches IRENE sleep, eyes roving over her features as if trying to memorize them. She shifts her weight to prop herself up on an elbow for a better view, and IRENE makes a little noise and wraps her arm tighter around SALLY's waist.

IRENE ADLER

Mmmph.

Her eyelids flicker and her nose twitches, and SALLY giggles. IRENE's eyes flutter open and blearily try to focus on SALLY.

IRENE ADLER

Morning.

SALLY DONOVAN

Good morning.

IRENE blinks some more, still adjusting to the light.

IRENE ADLER

Nngh, what time's it? Feels early.

SALLY DONOVAN

It's time for _you_ to answer my questions.

IRENE groans and pulls a pillow over her face.

IRENE ADLER

Let a girl wake up, won't you?

SALLY DONOVAN

Ah ah ah! You said I could ask you all the questions I want in the morning, and it's morning. 

IRENE ADLER

(muffled)

Are you always this chipper in the morning? _Fine_.

SALLY DONOVAN

Truth or dare?

IRENE chuckles into the pillow, then tosses it aside.

IRENE ADLER

Normally I'd go for dare, but seeing as I'm still half asleep, how about truth.

SALLY DONOVAN

Mmmm... 

She leans back on her elbow and looks up at the ceiling as if thinking, but she's got a smug grin on her face.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

Who do you want to go with to prom?

Her eyes cut down to IRENE, and the teasing smile falls away. IRENE licks her lips, but returns SALLY's gaze.

IRENE ADLER

Well, it'd have to be someone I like... not just a crush, but someone whose company I really enjoy... who challenges my mind...

She smiles.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

...and makes me laugh...

She lifts her hand to brush SALLY's hair back from her face.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

...and it wouldn't hurt if she's beautiful too.

SALLY swallows.

SALLY DONOVAN

She?

IRENE bites her lip and nods.

IRENE ADLER

Your turn... truth or dare?

SALLY DONOVAN

(barely a whisper)

Dare.

IRENE ADLER

Come with me to prom.

SALLY nods, and they both stare at each other, the weight of the moment heavy between them. IRENE's fingers twitch in SALLY's hair, and then SALLY's leaning down and IRENE's straining up and their lips meet to whoops and whistles from the canned studio audience. The kiss is soft and gentle, still hazy with sleep, and they pull apart with smiles wide on their lips. 

SALLY DONOVAN

Don't think you're getting out of studying that easy. It's my turn to ask a question, and we're going back to calculus.

IRENE rolls her eyes dramatically, but can't keep the grin off her face. 

IRENE ADLER

Spoilsport. 

SALLY DONOVAN

Hey! I thought brainy was the new sexy.

IRENE ADLER

So it is.

She pulls SALLY down for another kiss, to audience applause.

UPBEAT MUSICAL BUMPER.

FADE OUT.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* This may be my favorite chapter yet. Hope you all enjoyed it too! I teared up when writing the ending, thinking how much I would have loved this kind of queer-positive representation on screen when I was young. The idea that their romance would be met with applause and acceptance got me all choked up (T_T) I'm such a sap!


	13. Act 3, Scene 2

EXT. BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL, REAR EAST ENTRANCE, SUNDAY NIGHT.

It's a dark, quiet night. The East Entrance is dimly lit by a single far-off street lamp and the red glow of the Exit sign over the door. SHERLOCK is pacing impatiently by the door, checking his watch every few seconds. He's dressed all in black, with a dark backpack slung over one shoulder. As he completes another circuit in front of the entry, he glares at his watch, takes a stride backwards, and turns into JOHN with such a flourish that they're both knocked off-balance, and clutch at each other to keep from falling over.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Where have you been?

JOHN WATSON

(panting)

I got here as fast as I could! Dinner went late, and I had to convince Mom not to bother me for the rest of the night so I could 'focus on finals.' I ran the whole way.

He looks down at where SHERLOCK is still gripping his biceps. SHERLOCK follows his gaze and hastily drops his hands.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You were supposed to be here at eight-thirty.

JOHN WATSON

What time is it now?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(checking his watch)

Eight-thirty-three.

JOHN rolls his eyes.

JOHN WATSON

Three minutes late? Excuuuuuse me!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Time is of the essence, John. We need to be in and out before the alarms are activated. Every minute counts.

JOHN WATSON

Well then why don't you cut the lecture short and get on with it! Less talk, more action.

He rubs his hands with excitement, and SHERLOCK looks him up and down. He's dressed in a long-sleeved black shirt, bluejeans, and white hi-tops.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

 _What_ are you wearing?

JOHN WATSON

The shirt you gave me.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I mean the rest of it.

He flaps a hand angrily at his jeans and shoes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I told you to dress in dark colors.

JOHN WATSON

These are the darkest jeans I own! All the rest are acid wash. And I don't go anywhere without my Nike Airs.

He winks at the camera.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

What about the hat I gave you?

JOHN WATSON

Got it right here!

He whips it out of his back pocket with a smug grin, then narrows his eyes.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Hey, where's _your_ hat?

Sherlock scoffs, and runs a hand through his curls.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I don't need a hat, my hair's already dark.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

Yeah right, he just doesn't want to mess up his gorgeous hair.

(to SHERLOCK)

Well, if you're not wearing a hat, I'm not either.

He crosses his arms over his chest in defiance. SHERLOCK grabs the black knit cap still dangling from JOHN's hand.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Just wear the damn hat!

He shoves it on JOHN's head, squints at him, adjusts it minutely, and nods.

JOHN WATSON

 _Fine._ Now can we get on with it?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Of course. Unlike you, _I_ came prepared.

He swings the backpack around to his front and drops to a crouch. JOHN squats beside him as he unzips the bag.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

Since you're to be my lookout—

JOHN WATSON

Eagle Eye!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(with disdain)

Yes, my _Eagle Eye_ , you'll need to be stationed down the hall where the Science Wing meets the main body of the school. In order for you to alert me of any disturbances, we'll need these.

He pulls two black, quite substantial walkie-talkies from his bag, which somehow manage to be even larger than JOHN's cellular phone. JOHN grabs one with obvious delight.

JOHN WATSON

Oh, cool! We're like real undercover agents now.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Pay attention, John. The green light here means it's on and ready to receive incoming signals. You hold down this button to talk—

The indicator light turns red.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—and release it when you're done.

JOHN WATSON

(holding down the button)

Copy, this is Eagle Eye, over.

SHERLOCK yanks the walkie-talkie from his hand.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

This is serious! Now, this button here—

He points to a red button in the top corner of the device.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—is the alarm. It emits a high-pitched beep that repeats until both alarm buttons are pushed in sync. Don't push it unless there's an emergency.

JOHN WATSON

Right, got it.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

And this button here is for Morse Code. Obviously we won't need to use it, but—

JOHN has already grabbed the walkie-talkie back and is pushing the button in a staccato beat.

JOHN WATSON

Beep beep, bee-bee-beep beep. Beep beep, bee-bee-beep beep... hey, this is just like that Information Society song!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, focus.

JOHN WATSON

(singing into the walkie-talkie)

'I wanna know... what you're thinking... there are some things you can't hide...'

SHERLOCK HOLMES

And _I_ want to get in and out before the building security measures go into effect. Now keep quiet and follow me.

He zips up the bag and re-shoulders it, then carefully opens the door. When no alarms sound, SHERLOCK grins at JOHN, and they slip into the school. They creep through the empty halls, SHERLOCK holding up a hand at each turn to halt JOHN while he peers around the corner. As they make their way from the Cafeteria to the Science Wing, JOHN starts to hum the _Mission: Impossible_ theme song under his breath.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Shhh! We're trying _not_ to get caught, remember?

JOHN WATSON

All the best spies have theme songs. We need a theme song! 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

No, what we need is to be quiet.

JOHN WATSON

You're the one who started talking.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

_SHHH!!!_

They've made it to the Science Wing. SHERLOCK gestures to himself and motions with two fingers towards ANDERSON's room at the end of the hall. He points at JOHN and then at the corner where the corridor joins up with the rest of the school. JOHN nods and flattens his back against the wall, edging his way up to the corner. SHERLOCK prowls down the hall, ducking below the windows of the other lab doors along the way, until he reaches ANDERSON's door at the end. He sets down the backpack and retrieves his lock pick kit. He's just putting the tension wrench into the keyhole when a crackle of static comes from the bag.

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

Eagle Eye to Prowling Panther, over.

SHERLOCK quickly grabs the walkie-talkie from the bag and holds it up to his mouth.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

What is it? Is someone coming?

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

That's a negative, Prowling Panther. Just checking in for a status report. Over.

SHERLOCK glares up the hall at JOHN, who is backed against the wall, neck craning around the corner, walkie-talkie at his ear.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You're supposed to be keeping lookout, not bothering me.

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

Roger that, Eagle Eye is in position, requesting status update. Over.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I can't get anything done with you bugging me every few seconds! Please keep the line clear for emergency situations only. 

JOHN WATSON (V.O.)

Copy that, Prowling Panther. Proceed with Operation Super Spy Alpha, over and out.

SHERLOCK lets out an exasperated huff and shoves the walkie-talkie into the back pocket of his black jeans.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP

The red indicator light is on; the back pocket is stretched so tightly over the device, the fabric is depressing the communication button.

SHERLOCK returns to picking the lock, and in less than a minute, the last pin catches on the plug and he turns the knob with ease. He picks up the bag and enters the dark room. The shaft of light from the doorway is enough to make his way to the desk. He puts his backpack on the desk chair and pulls out the manila envelope. He's just setting it on the teetering pile of papers covering the desk when the sound of someone clearing their throat breaks the silence.

MYCROFT HOLMES (O.C.)

 _What_ is going on here?

CUT TO: 

JOHN whispering frantically into his walkie-talkie.

JOHN WATSON

Code red, code red, this is not a drill! The Ostrich is in the building, I repeat, The Ostrich is—

A hand reaches over his shoulder and plucks the walkie-talkie from his grasp. He turns to see MYCROFT, wearing a stern expression, walkie talkie in one hand and SHERLOCK by the collar in the other. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

—here.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Indeed. My office. Now.

CROSS DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, SUNDAY NIGHT.

MYCROFT crosses the room to loom behind his desk, manila envelope and walkie-talkie in hand. JOHN and SHERLOCK file in behind him, caught red-handed, though SHERLOCK looks more bored than chagrined. MYCROFT tosses the envelope on the desk between them. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

Explain.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Not to jump to any hasty conclusions, but going off those squiggly marks on the front, it appears to be a Chemistry Test.

MYCROFT HOLMES

And what were you doing with it, after school hours, in a dark empty classroom?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Trying to get to second base?

JOHN snickers, and MYCROFT shoots him a warning look.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Careful, Mr. Watson. You're already looking at summer school. I would hate to have to put you on academic probation.

SHERLOCK quickly takes a step forward.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John didn't have anything to do with this, it was all my idea. An end of the year prank to get back at Anderson for the mind-numbing lectures he made me suffer through all semester. I was rearranging the papers on his desk, though I don't know if he would have even noticed given the state of things in that room. I was going to mess with his note-covered wall of madness next, if you hadn't so rudely interrupted me.

MYCROFT HOLMES

This isn't a joke, Sherlock. You were found breaking into a classroom at night, the answers to your Chemistry Final in your hands. You realize how this looks.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Don't be an idiot, Mycroft. You know I could teach this class better than Anderson. Why would I need to steal the test?

MYCROFT HOLMES

Oh, I don't know... perhaps to help a certain _special friend_ who is at risk of failing the class?

He looks at JOHN pointedly, who tries to look as innocent as possible.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I told you, John wasn't involved, he was just the lookout.

JOHN WATSON

Eagle Eye.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

_John—_

JOHN WATSON

No, I can't let you take the fall for this, that's not what best friends do!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

...best friend? I'm your...

He stops and stares at JOHN.

JOHN WATSON

'Course you are.

MYCROFT HOLMES

How very touching. Now, if we can just get back to the matter of the test. You were saying, Mr. Watson?

JOHN WATSON

It's my fault, Sherlock didn't—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

No John! It wasn't your fault. Stop trying to be the hero and just SHUT UP!

MYCROFT and JOHN are stunned into silence by this outburst.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I mean, listen. Please...let me.

He holds JOHN's gaze for a long moment, before JOHN gives a small nod. SHERLOCK turns back to MYCROFT.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

As I was saying, it was my idea. I made John come along to keep an eye out, but he wasn't supposed to get involved.

MYCROFT looks between SHERLOCK and JOHN, eyebrow raised.

MYCROFT HOLMES

He seems rather involved to me. Black shirt, black hat, walkie-talkie.

He places the last on his desk next to the test.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Quite a lot of forethought for a lookout.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

You're slipping, Mycroft. The shirt is two sizes too big for him, obviously borrowed, the walkie-talkie is from the set I got for my twelfth birthday, and I made him wear the hat.

He snatches it from JOHN's head and tosses it to MYCROFT.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

I'm sure you'll find strands of dark curly hair as well as other evidence of its true owner. Come now, you really think I would go through the trouble of making a plan and not oversee every detail of its execution?

MYCROFT gives a cursory glance at the knit hat before tossing it aside.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I suppose not.

He sits in his chair and interlaces his fingers in his lap.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

That still leaves us with the question of your punishment.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It was a harmless end of school prank, though seeing as I didn't actually get a chance to enact my plan, I don't know why I would deserve any punishment.

MYCROFT HOLMES

You broke into a classroom, Sherlock, with intent to do harm to a teacher's belongings. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I wasn't going to do _destroy_ them, for god's sake! Just mess them up a bit. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

Regardless, it's hardly behavior befitting Bayside's valedictorian. 

JOHN WATSON

Valedictorian? I didn't know you were chosen, Sherlock. That's great!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Not like I asked for it.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Traditionally it goes to the student with the highest grade point average, and Sherlock has been at the top of every class since freshman year. It was a given that he would be this year's valedictorian. Or it would have been. I'm not sure I can bestow that honor upon you now, in light of this evening's... activities.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Give it to Sally Donovan.

JOHN WATSON/MYCROFT HOLMES

(in unison)

What?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Give it to Sally. She has the next highest marks in our graduating class, and she'd do a better job at it anyway.

JOHN WATSON

But you hate Sally!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Hate is a rather strong word. She's not my closest friend, but we've managed to spend time together nearly every day for the past four years without killing each other.

JOHN WATSON

So abstaining from murder is your measure of friendship? Remind me never to get on your bad side!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

She may be caustic, but she's honest, if somewhat brutally so.

JOHN WATSON

Sounds familiar... 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

And she's not a complete imbecile.

MYCROFT HOLMES

High praise indeed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Just don't tell her I said so. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

I wouldn't dream of it. Valedictorian Donovan it is. Though Mother will be so disappointed. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I'm sure she'll manage. Are we done here?

MYCROFT leans back in his chair.

MYCROFT HOLMES

We have yet to discuss the little matter of your punishment.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Isn't that what we just did?

MYCROFT HOLMES

No, brother dear. Losing the valedictorianship was a consequence of your actions, but clearly it is no punishment, given the ease with which you relinquished it, and your outright disinterest. I dare say it comes as a relief, not to have to speak in front of all those people.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I would have been an excellent valedictorian. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

I have no doubt. But the question remains... how best to teach you a lesson?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I haven't been taught anything of use in all my years at your ridiculous school, why start now?

MYCROFT simply raises his eyebrows and smiles.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Ah, yes. Musical appreciation.

SHERLOCK HOLMES/JOHN WATSON

(in unison)

What?

MYCROFT HOLMES

The next time our beloved parents wish to have a night out on the town, you will graciously offer to accompany them.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh no.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Oh yes. Whatever bit of musical theater strikes Mother's fancy.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

No. I refuse.

MYCROFT HOLMES

You can't refuse. Unless you want me to call Mother right now, and inform her what exactly you were up to this evening?

He picks up the phone on his desk and begins to punch numbers into the keypad.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Wait!

MYCROFT pauses, his finger hovering over the final digit. SHERLOCK closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, as if bracing for a blow.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Fine, I'll do it. 

He looks physically pained. MYCROFT puts the phone back on its cradle with an air of deep self-satisfaction.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Wonderful news. Mother will be so pleased.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Don't gloat, Mycroft. It makes you even more unattractive, which is admittedly quite a feat.

MYCROFT HOLMES

And no getting out of it with fabricated 'experiments' that can't be left alone. I'll give Mother a call in the morning and suggest she pick next month's show this week, so you can have ample time to clear your _busy_ schedule.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, fine, get it all out of your system. Now if you're done being smug, we'll be on our way.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Just a moment. 

He stands, smooths out his suit jacket, and looks down at JOHN.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Mr. Watson, I do hope this will be the last time you find yourself in my office.

JOHN WATSON

You and me both!

MYCROFT HOLMES

One would think that with a mere handful of days left in the school year this would be a given, but I have found in the case of you and my brother, it is best not to assume.

JOHN WATSON

Trust me, I don't want to spend another minute in high school than I have to.

MYCROFT HOLMES

And yet here you are on a Sunday night.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Is there no end to your meddling?

MYCROFT HOLMES

I simply wish to impart the severity of the situation, considering the current state of Mr. Watson's academic standing.

JOHN WATSON

Look, I've been studying all weekend, and I'm going to go home and study some more tonight, okay? There's no way I'm spending my summer here with you.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I hope you are successful in your efforts, for both our sakes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ugh, come on, John.

He takes JOHN by the hand and drags him out of the room.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

He'll prattle on forever if you let him, the self-important windbag. He's in love with the sound of his own voice.

JOHN stops in the hall, and glances at their joined hands. SHERLOCK quickly drops JOHN's, but keeps striding towards the exit.

JOHN WATSON

Wait, Sherlock. Isn't your locker somewhere around here?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, Mycroft decided to keep a 'closer eye' on me and arranged to have me relocated as near to his office as possible.

He gestures to his locker, and JOHN indicates with a tilt of his head that he should open it. As SHERLOCK's fiddling with the built-in combination lock, JOHN sidles up behind him and slides the walkie-talkie from SHERLOCK's back pocket. SHERLOCK freezes at the contact, just as the locker pops open. JOHN presses the red button on the top of the walkie-talkie, tosses it into the locker, and slams the door as the _very loud_ high-pitched alarm blares to life. An answering alarm sounds down the hall.

JOHN WATSON

Come on!

He grabs SHERLOCK's hand, pulling him out of his stunned reverie, and they break into a run. As they pass through the exit, the bang of a door being thrown open sounds through the chaos of the alarms.

MYCROFT HOLMES (O.S.)

_SHERLOCK!!!_

MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, those delightful late 80s/early 90s references:  
> [What's On Your Mind by Information Society](https://youtu.be/UPuXvpkOLmM?t=44s) \- big thanks to handsinpants & roseinmyhand for all the song recs! [This](https://youtu.be/CAw-YYKkqWE) was also a strong contender, but in the end the [lyrics to What's on Your Mind](http://lyrics.wikia.com/wiki/Information_Society:What's_On_Your_Mind_\(Pure_Energy\)) made the most sense for John in this scene. I mean, "Looking 'round without a clue" and "It's a game I have to play" and OMG EVERYTHING IS JOHNLOCK!  
> The [opening theme](https://youtu.be/1Glj7DlLNeo) to the 1988-1990 revival of the Mission: Impossible TV show.  
> I also want to mention how excited I was to finally get to use Mycroft's version of [Mr. Belding's catch phrase](https://youtu.be/FMHdlka9fvA)!  
> And if you need a visual for the opening, just stitch together these [two](https://38.media.tumblr.com/81f52ed0a278518ecaf9b5cc9ac9a011/tumblr_n9hfs8hFoa1safizuo1_250.gif) [gifs](https://31.media.tumblr.com/64a98abc480fae3609bd1a6c0d175347/tumblr_inline_n4s0s3K5oX1sz51mk.gif) from The Blind Banker *^_^*


	14. Act 3, Scene 3

INT. ANGELO'S PIZZERIA, FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

Finals are over and revelry is in the air. Things are more boisterous than usual, with kids loudly laughing and dashing around the restaurant, releasing many weeks' worth of pent-up energy. ANGELO weaves through the throngs of students, taking orders and delivering pies. Most of the gang is already assembled at the corner booth: IRENE and SALLY sit together chatting, with LESTRADE at the end in his trademark flipped-back chair. MOLLY is opposite them, talking across the table to LESTRADE, while SHERLOCK sitsnext to her immersed in a book. The camera pans to the entry, and JOHN comes in through the front doors to canned audience applause and cheers. He smiles at camera and nods, as if acknowledging the accolades.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera) 

You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school — once you graduate, you don't have to come back! 

He heads towards the corner booth as he talks.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

And luck sure has been on my side, because it looks like I'm all set to graduate on schedule. All the weekend cramming really paid off, and this— 

He holds up a test with a large B+ scrawled on the top in red pen.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

—is my ticket out of summer school. 

He's arrived at the table, and everyone looks up in greeting.

MOLLY HOOPER

(seeing the test)

Oh, you passed Chemistry? That's great, John!

JOHN WATSON

Thanks! 

He slides into the booth next to SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

No summer school means no Mycroft, and that's _really_ something to celebrate.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Lucky you. If passing grades kept him out of my life, the past four years of crushing boredom might have been worth it.

JOHN WATSON

Aw, we've had some good times! And now that the hard part's over, it's smooth sailing all summer long. Like Shakespeare said, all's swell that ends swell!

D.I. LESTRADE

But it's not over yet.

SALLY DONOVAN

That's right, we still have a wrap-up week of classes—

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, senior slack-off week!

SALLY DONOVAN

(undeterred)

—and graduation of course, where yours truly will be valedictorian!

IRENE ADLER

You got it? Congratulations!

She throws her arm around SALLY and gives her a little squeeze.

MOLLY HOOPER

That's wonderful, Sally! Though I thought Sherlock was a sure thing.

SHERLOCK exchanges a look with JOHN. His eyes flick over to SALLY, then back to JOHN again. SALLY sits up a bit straighter, steeling herself for some snide comment.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Clearly Sally deserves it more than I do.

John gives him a small, almost proud smile. Sally is completely taken aback.

SALLY DONOVAN

Oh. Thanks. That, uh, means a lot, coming from you.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, well. Don't let it go to your head.

D.I. LESTRADE

That's awesome, Sally! Though graduation's not really what I meant when I said it's not over yet.

She looks at him blankly.

D.I. LESTRADE (CONT'D)

You know, tomorrow night? _Prom?_  

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh yes, how could anyone possibly forget? The very pinnacle of our high school careers.

D.I. LESTRADE

Yeah, yeah, we get that you're not hot on the idea, but I think the rest of us are pretty stoked for one big bash to end out our time here at Bayside.

JOHN WATSON

Actually, Sherlock's coming to prom too.

D.I. LESTRADE/IRENE ADLER/MOLLY HOOPER/SALLY DONOVAN

(in unison)

_What?!!_

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John...

JOHN WATSON

Nope, you agreed to, no backsies!

IRENE ADLER

And when did this feat of persuasion occur?

JOHN WATSON

Saturday night. Sherlock came over to study — well, I say study... mostly we planned our break-in, which I must say went off better than expected.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

We got caught! In the act. By _Mycroft_. 

JOHN WATSON

Yeah, well, we didn't get expelled or anything, and we returned the test. Could've been worse.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Speak for yourself. You don't have to accompany my parents to Les Misérables in June. 

IRENE ADLER

No one cares about all that! What about the prom?

JOHN WATSON

Right. Well, we were talking, and Sherlock mentioned he loves to dance, so I said of course he has to come, and after a bit of back-and-forth he agreed.

He beams at SHERLOCK, who looks down at the table.

IRENE ADLER

Well, well. I guess it just takes the right person to ask.

MOLLY HOOPER

Oh, that's great, Sherlock!

She pats him on the arm, and he recoils slightly.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

I always say, the more the merrier!

She pauses, and looks at LESTRADE.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

What about you, D.I.? Did you figure out your plans for the night?

D.I. LESTRADE

Well, I was, uh, thinking. You know, it's our last big dance, our last big... well, _anything_ , at Bayside. I don't really feel like taking someone I hardly know. I'd rather hang out with you—

He looks around the table, as if realizing they were there for the first time.

D.I. LESTRADE (CONT'D)

—all of you. One last hurrah, you know? Go out with a bang, with the people I care about most. 

SALLY DONOVAN

Wow, that's actually... sweet.

She puts a hand on his forearm.

SALLY DONOVAN (CONT'D)

I never knew you had it in you, you big softie.

D.I. LESTRADE

Hey, I can be sweet! I can be downright romantic when I want to. Not my fault if you never appreciated it.

SALLY sits back and crosses her arms.

SALLY DONOVAN

Right, because taking me out to the homecoming game was really romantic.

D.I. LESTRADE

I bought you a hotdog! With extra relish!

SALLY DONOVAN

A regular Don Juan.

IRENE ADLER

Children, please. Play nice, or I may have to find a way to punish you.

With the hand still draped over SALLY's shoulder, she drags a manicured nail down SALLY's nape. SALLY stiffens under the touch, a nearly imperceptible shiver running through her body. No one else appears to notice. IRENE smiles.

D.I. LESTRADE

(to IRENE)

Well then, Ms. Mature. Will you be gracing us with your presence?

IRENE shares a private look with SALLY, who nods.

IRENE ADLER

Yes, we'll be there. 

SALLY DONOVAN

So what's the plan? Angelo's?

MOLLY HOOPER

Yep! We've got a limo, and John and I already made a group reservation with the Prom Court. We'll just add on four more.

JOHN WATSON

Sounds good to me! The whole gang together one last time... 

He looks around the table, eyes misting up a bit.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Let's make it a night to remember.

He puts his hand in the center of the table.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

All for one?

CUT TO: OVERHEAD SHOT

One by one, their hands layer in the middle, creating a six-pointed star.

ALL THE GANG

And one for all!

They throw their hands up with a cheer.

UPBEAT MUSICAL BUMPER.

END SCENE.

 


	15. Act 3, Scene 4

FADE IN:

INT. ANGELO'S PIZZERIA, SATURDAY NIGHT.

It's Prom Night, and the restaurant is dressed to the nines. White holiday lights are strung from the ceiling and wrapped around the booths, casting the diner in a soft, intimate glow. Each table is adorned with a red rose sprouting from a cloud of baby's breath in a makeshift Coke bottle vase. Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong duets waft from the jukebox, slow and sweet, transporting the modern pizzeria to a scene from a classic romance. There are a few couples seated throughout the restaurant, talking quietly over their dinners.

The doors swing open and the Prom Court enters, along with the rest of our Bayside Gang. MOLLY, LESTRADE, and JOHN are laughing and joking with the rest of the Prom Court; SALLY and IRENE are whispering to each other, arms linked; and SHERLOCK trails behind.

ANGELO

Welcome, welcome! Tonight, this is not Angelo's Pizzeria, it is Angelo's Ristorante dell'Amore.

He makes a sweeping gesture that encompasses the whole dining area.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Please, sit anywhere you like.

The Prom Court starts to head toward the center tables, but ANGELO grabs JOHN and LESTRADE by the arms.

ANGELO (CONT'D)

Wait, wait, my friends, I have your very special table saved just for you.

He proudly leads the gang to their corner booth, which has an elegantly-penned 'RESERVED' sign tented in the center. LESTRADE slides into the booth with MOLLY, and IRENE and SALLY take the other side. JOHN settles into his place on the end next to MOLLY, leaving SHERLOCK standing awkwardly by the table, eyes darting between MOLLY and JOHN.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

She's in my place.

JOHN WATSON

What?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Molly. She's in my place.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock—

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(pointing at MOLLY)

That's where I usually sit.

MOLLY HOOPER

Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, I can...

She scoots closer to JOHN and half-stands, trying to get out of the booth, but JOHN lays a hand on her shoulder and gently pushes her back next to LESTRADE.

JOHN WATSON

No, stay right there Molly, you're fine.

He turns a steely gaze to SHERLOCK and points his finger at him.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Don't be difficult. You. Sit.

He jabs his finger at the empty seat across from him.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

 _Now_.

SHERLOCK obeys instantly, face flushed. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

That's better. We're all here to have a good time tonight, right?

D.I. LESTRADE

Right!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(under his breath)

It's still my spot. 

ANGELO whisks the 'RESERVED' sign from the table and grins at the gang.

ANGELO

Ah, look at all these beautiful faces! I am so happy to spend this night with you. I have created for you a very special menu, for a very special night. First, caprese salad with fresh mozzarella and ripe tomatoes, the perfect way to start our meal! Next, fettuccine della nonna, the way my Nonni used to make for me, you will love it. And to finish it off: tiramisu, a classic delight, with real espresso — guaranteed to keep you dancing late into the night.

SALLY DONOVAN

Do you have decaf? I've been trying to cut back on my caffeine lately.

ANGELO looks momentarily affronted and IRENE giggles and drapes her arm over SALLY's shoulder.

ANGELO

Let me see what I can do. 

IRENE ADLER

Thanks, Angelo.

ANGELO exits.

D.I. LESTRADE

(to SALLY)

So... you and Irene? How long's this been going on?

SALLY looks at IRENE and smiles. 

SALLY DONOVAN

Not long. Didn't even occur to me until last week... although if I'm honest, I hadn't given anyone much thought for years, not like that. Irene just showed me what I was missing.

D.I. LESTRADE

Oh really?

IRENE ADLER

There's more to life than grades. Can't be married to your schoolwork, after all!

SALLY DONOVAN

Hey, who said anything about marriage?

IRENE ADLER

Just a figure of speech, darling. 

She nudges SALLY playfully, and they both giggle.

D.I. LESTRADE

God, I pity the person who tries to tie Sally down with something as traditional as marriage! She'd bite the head off anyone who proposed.

SALLY DONOVAN

Hey, I can't help it if society still clings to an antiquated system of partnering rooted in misogynistic concepts of ownership and property rights.

D.I. LESTRADE

See? A real romantic, this one.

IRENE ADLER

Oh, I don't know... Sally can be quite romantic, given the proper motivation.

She winks at SALLY, who blushes. 

MOLLY HOOPER

Well, I think it's nice that you two have found each other. I mean, not that you ever lost each other, or hadn't known each other before, because of course we've all been friends for years, but to know that even after all these years of being friends you could become something more, it's just... nice...

Her face goes from pink to crimson as she trails off, eyes darting to LESTRADE, and then down at her lap. IRENE gives MOLLY a knowing look and leans forward to place a hand on her forearm.

IRENE ADLER

Sometimes what we're looking for is right in front of us, if we're only brave enough to take the chance.

She gives MOLLY's arm a squeeze before settling back against the booth. Her focus shifts to the far end of the table.

IRENE ADLER (CONT'D)

Isn't that right, John?

JOHN WATSON

Huh?

IRENE ADLER

You know, being brave, taking a chance... that sounds right up your alley, doesn't it?

JOHN WATSON

Sure, I guess so.

IRENE ADLER

Well, tonight's the night, isn't it? Go big or go home.

D.I. LESTRADE

Oooh Preppie, that sounds like a challenge to me! Got your eye on someone? 'Fess up, who's the lucky lady?

JOHN WATSON

What? No, nothing like that.

IRENE ADLER

Who said anything about a lady?

JOHN WATSON

Really, I'm just here to have a good time with my friends.

ANGELO (O.C.)

A candle for the table!

ANGELO strides up to the booth with a tea light in a glass ice cream dish. He places it at the end of the table, in between SHERLOCK and JOHN.

ANGELO

(nudging SHERLOCK)

It's more romantic now, eh?

(to JOHN)

I am so happy you brought him out tonight! I know this one can be a little shy, but he's a good egg. Did I ever tell you about the time he got me cleared of embezzlement charges?

JOHN WATSON

Only every other week!

He grins at SHERLOCK, who rolls his eyes in response, though the tips of his ears have gone pink.

ANGELO

It was a miracle! 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It was nothing. I just showed that your atrocious math skills were at the root of the discrepancies, gross incompetence rather than purposeful deceit. You clearly lack the mental capacity to 'cook the books' in your favor.

ANGELO

You are right, my friend, my skills for cooking are limited to the kitchen. Good thing I own a restaurant and not a bank!

SALLY DONOVAN

Uh, I don't think a banker would 'cook the books' either... at least I hope not...

ANGELO

All this talk of cooking, I should get back to it! 

He places a hand on JOHN's shoulder as he passes, and leans in close to speak in his ear.

ANGELO

You are so good for him, John. He is very lucky to have you as his date.

He pats JOHN's shoulder and exits.

JOHN WATSON

(calling after him)

I'm not his...

(to camera)

...date?

He looks around the table, at LESTRADE and MOLLY chatting, heads close together; at SALLY and IRENE leaning against each other, smiling; and at last at SHERLOCK, who's burning bits of paper napkin in the candle.

JOHN WATSON

(to camera)

See! Sherlock's not interested in those sorts of things, he's not like that. He doesn't feel things that way. 

His hand goes to his pocket, fingering its contents almost unconsciously.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

(quietly to himself)

I don't think...

A particularly large scrap of napkin catches fire all at once and goes up in a bright flare. SHERLOCK jerks his hand back, then up to his mouth to blow on his singed fingers. His eyes meet JOHN's, and they both burst into laughter.

JOHN WATSON

You idiot.

SHERLOCK raises an eyebrow at him, and tosses him half of his shredded napkin. JOHN tears off a piece and grins as they both lean forward over the flame. 

The music from the jukebox swells to cover the background chatter:

_In time the Rockies may crumble_

_Gibraltar may tumble_

_They're only made of clay_

_But our love is here to stay_

END SCENE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG PROM NIGHT!!! FLAIL WITH ME!!!  
> The song at the end is [Love Is Here To Stay](https://youtu.be/iIgkIgSZb0I). I also made an [Ella & Louis Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLs51NDE4ECyPKbQNY7E8pledaSoz7wDgj) for the Johnlock arc in this fic; it works as both the soundtrack for this scene and a progression of their relationship. Enjoy!


	16. Act 3, Scene 5

FADE IN:

INT. BAYSIDE GYMNASIUM, SATURDAY NIGHT.

The gym is decorated for prom, with balloon arches and dark blue backdrops studded with stars. The dance floor is full of students in formal wear grooving to the DJ's medley of pop hits. Refreshment tables skirt the edges of the room, where chaperones MYCROFT and ANTHEA survey the crowd.

ANTHEA

Another year gone by, another class on its way out. Though this one's a bit different, isn't it sir?

MYCROFT HOLMES

Hmmm.

ANTHEA

What with your brother graduating next week. 

MYCROFT HOLMES

At last.

ANTHEA

Oh, come off it, I know you'll miss him terribly.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Miss his flagrant disregard for safety and school property? Miss his tantrums and sulks and childish pranks? Miss explaining to our mother how her youngest son managed to harm himself _this_ week under my supervision? Yes, I am sure it will be quite a hardship. However will I manage?

ANTHEA

You can't fool me, Mr. Holmes. It'll break your heart — your baby brother, off on his own, miles and miles away.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Rest assured, no matter how far he goes, he'll still find a way to cause trouble for me. And if I never see John Watson again, it will be too soon.

The Bayside Gang enters with the Prom Court, talking and laughing.

ANTHEA

Speak of the devil.

MYCROFT lets out a deeply put-upon sigh. The gang migrates to the dance floor as Let's Dance comes on. JOHN, MOLLY, and LESTRADE dance in a small circle with some of the Prom Court, while IRENE and SALLY drape their arms around each other and start swaying slowly to the beat. SHERLOCK stands at the edge, scanning the crowd, before catching sight of MYCROFT. He smirks and strides over to the refreshments table.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I should've known you'd be looming over the sweets. Here for the cake?

MYCROFT HOLMES

You know my presence is necessary at these events to ensure nothing goes wrong.

He narrows his eyes at SHERLOCK suspiciously.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

I must say I am surprised to see you in attendance. I didn't think you went in for these sorts of affairs.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

And I thought you were on a diet.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Pettiness is so unbecoming, brother mine. I am merely concerned for your well being.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I am _so_ sure.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I do wonder what could have drawn you away from your precious experiments on a Saturday night. Normally you eschew any social gathering, particularly one as steeped in sentiment as this.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's prom, Mycroft. Apparently it's integral to the high school experience. And anyway, it's none of your business.

MYCROFT HOLMES

I thought it might have something to do with a certain Mr. Watson, but I see he is busy dancing with Ms. Hooper, while you are here talking to me.

MYCROFT's gaze tracks JOHN, who catches his eye and looks to SHERLOCK, brows furrowed.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

And regretting every second of it.

MYCROFT HOLMES

As I said, I only have your best interests at heart, brother dear. You have an unfortunate tendency to get... attached. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I am not attached.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Of course not. You are simply at prom because you enjoy the company of your peers.

MYCROFT flashes him an insincere smile, dripping with condescension. SHERLOCK turns towards the table and angrily stabs a piece of cake with a plastic fork. JOHN, who has been watching their interaction with increasing concern, heads towards them.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Excuse me, I must attend to my duties. 

He leans in fractionally closer to SHERLOCK.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Enjoy not getting involved.

He turns and walks in the direction of the dance floor, giving JOHN a polite nod as he passes. JOHN frowns and continues to SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON

You okay? What was that all about?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Oh, just Mycroft being his usual insufferable self.

JOHN WATSON

Want to talk about it?

SHERLOCK just shrugs a shoulder, and stabs the slice of cake again.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Hey, come on! We're at _the prom!_ Don't let your jerk-off brother ruin the night.

He nudges SHERLOCK, who turns slightly to face him.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

And you love to dance! Why are you over here by the desserts instead of on the dance floor with us?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I told you, I can't dance to this kind of music.

JOHN WATSON

Everyone can dance to Bowie!

He starts dancing in place.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I can hardly waltz to this.

JOHN WATSON

You don't need to waltz, just move with the beat. Go with what feels good. It starts in the hips. 

He rolls his pelvis, gyrating to the beat. SHERLOCK's eyes follow his movements, but he doesn't join in.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

I _know_ you know how to move to music. Last week you were practically Fred Astaire!

SHERLOCK blushes.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

It's different when there are steps, there's a pattern, rules I can follow. This is—

He waves his hand to encompass all of JOHN.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (CONT'D)

—unplanned.

JOHN WATSON

(laughing)

That's not a bad thing. You're too much in your head all the time; sometimes you need to just be in your body. Be spontaneous! Go on, live a little.

JOHN beams up at him with such fondness that SHERLOCK turns to face him fully. He starts to bob his head to the beat, but then he shakes it, embarrassment flooding his face.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

I'm sorry, I just...I can't...

JOHN puts a hand on his shoulder, offering comfort and reassurance.

JOHN WATSON

Hey, it's okay. Look, I'll make a deal with you: come on out to the dance floor with me — you don't have to dance to this song if you don't want to, but come hang out with us, okay? And I promise I'll save the next slow song for you, so you can show off your waltz moves. Deal?

SHERLOCK swallows nervously, but nods, and follows JOHN back out to where SALLY, IRENE, LESTRADE, and MOLLY are dancing. MYCROFT is hovering nearby, hawklike gaze assessing the crowd for signs of misbehavior. 

MOLLY HOOPER

Hey John! Oh, you got Sherlock to come out.

D.I. LESTRADE

You know they can't go anywhere without each other, Molls. Sidekicks, remember?

He winks at her and she giggles.

JOHN WATSON

Watch it! I am no one's sidekick.

IRENE ADLER

Can everyone just shut up and dance? You're killing the mood.

She and SALLY are now completely entwined, and getting closer every second. IRENE has a thigh between SALLY's legs, whose arms are wrapped around IRENE's shoulders, fingers tracing along her neck. IRENE's hands skate down SALLY's hips and around to grip her ass and pull SALLY tight against her body. SALLY clutches at IRENE's back as she grinds against IRENE's thigh, and IRENE drops her head to mouth along the plunging neckline of SALLY's dress.

MYCROFT HOLMES

Ahem.

They continue dancing, utterly absorbed in each other.

MYCROFT HOLMES

_AHEM!_

IRENE looks up, but doesn't stop dancing. SALLY is still lost in the music. MYCROFT taps her on the shoulder, and she jumps.

MYCROFT HOLMES

That is quite enough of _that_. Break it up, ladies. We must maintain some sense of decorum.

SALLY is beet red, and looks like she wants to melt into the floor. IRENE just smirks back at MYCROFT, though she loosens her hold on SALLY's hips.

IRENE ADLER

If it isn't the Dance Patrol. Going to make us foxtrot next?

MYCROFT HOLMES

I simply ask that you attempt a modicum of decency. I can't say I'm surprised Ms. Adler, but I expected more from you, Ms. Donovan. Hardly behavior befitting a valedictorian.

SALLY turns impossibly redder and takes a half-step back from IRENE.

SALLY DONOVAN

No, Mr. Holmes.

MYCROFT HOLMES

That's better. 

(to IRENE)

I've got my eye on you.

IRENE ADLER

Yes, Mr. Holmes.

ANTHEA appears at his side.

ANTHEA

It's time for the coronation, sir.

MYCROFT HOLMES

If we must.

They head toward the DJ booth, and SALLY breathes a sigh of relief. IRENE pulls her closer again.

SALLY DONOVAN

Careful, I don't want to get in trouble!

IRENE ADLER

We graduate in a week, there's nothing he can do. He's just a cold fish who doesn't know how to have a good time.

SALLY DONOVAN

Must run in the family.

They both look over to SHERLOCK, who is standing slightly off from the group, watching JOHN dance with MOLLY and LESTRADE, hands clasped behind his back.

MYCROFT HOLMES

(speaking into a microphone)

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. 

(off mic to DJ)

Cut the music.

The room goes silent, and the students turn towards the booth.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

(on mic)

Thank you. It is my pleasure to announce this year's Prom Royalty.

ANTHEA hands him a sealed envelope, which MYCROFT opens with no small amount of pomp and drama.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

I present to you, your Prom Queen and King: Miss Molly Hooper...

The students break into applause and whistles, and MOLLY blushes and ducks her head.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

...and...

(with a tinge of resigned disgust)

...John Watson.

The crowd erupts with whoops and cheers, and JOHN pumps a fist in the air, broad grin plastered on his face.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

Anthea, if you would please do the honors.

A spotlight follows ANTHEA, crowns in hand, from the DJ booth to MOLLY and JOHN. She carefully places a delicate silver crown in MOLLY's styled hair, and sets a large gold crown on JOHN's head. The crowd cheers again, and JOHN points to his crown with his thumbs, then raises them high in a victorious double thumbs-up.

MYCROFT HOLMES (CONT'D)

As is tradition, the Prom Queen and King will dance to their inaugural song.

The students clear a circle around JOHN and MOLLY, who stand opposite each other, a bit awkwardly. JOHN holds out his left hand, and MOLLY takes it with a mock curtsey. He raises their joined hands, places his right hand on her upper back, and she lays her left hand gently on his shoulder just as the opening verse begins to play:

 

_You say you want_

_Diamonds on a ring of gold_

MOLLY and JOHN fall into an easy rhythm, gliding over the floor in perfect sync. SHERLOCK, who has been watching from the sidelines, turns and shoves past LESTRADE, pushes his way through the mass of students, and runs out the door. MYCROFT's eyes follow his abrupt departure, but no one else pays it any attention.

MOLLY HOOPER

You're good at this!

JOHN WATSON

Thanks, but I owe it all to Sherlock. He showed me the other week, he's the real talent.

(looking around the room)

Hey, where is he? Thought he'd be proud to see his lessons paid off.

MOLLY scans the crowd too.

MOLLY HOOPER

I don't know...I could've sworn he was standing right there when we started dancing...

JOHN meets LESTRADE's eyes, who jerks a thumb at the exit and shrugs.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

...is something wrong?

JOHN WATSON

No. Yes. Maybe. Look, Molly, I’m really sorry, but I gotta go.

He turns and dashes toward the door, only to double back as he remembers the crown wobbling on his head. He hastily thrusts it in MOLLY's hands, then he's out the door. MOLLY stands there, blinking in confusion at the gold crown in her hands.

D.I. LESTRADE (O.C.)

May I have this dance?

MOLLY looks up to see LESTRADE in front of her, doubled over in a theatrical bow, hand outstretched in invitation. She smiles and nods, placing the crown on his head. He puts his left hand on her waist as she lifts her right out to the side. The both quickly switch their hand positions, only to find themselves at odds again. LESTRADE shakes his head with a rueful grin.

D.I. LESTRADE

Never was much for formal dancing.

He settles both hands on her hips, and she drapes her arms around his neck.

MOLLY HOOPER

This works.

They sway back and forth together as Bono sings on.

MOLLY HOOPER

So...there's something I've been meaning to ask you. For years now, really.

D.I. LESTRADE

Shoot.

MOLLY HOOPER

What does D.I. stand for?

LESTRADE chuckles, and turns a bit pink.

D.I. LESTRADE

Ah, well... it's actually kind of embarrassing.

MOLLY HOOPER

Oooh, this I have to hear. 

D.I. LESTRADE

It, uh, doesn't stand for anything, really. Back in Junior High, I was kinda scrawny, but I wanted to be a tough guy, and I always thought those guys with initials instead of names were so badass, like they were too cool for a full name, you know? But, uh, my initials weren't very tough sounding, so I decided to pick some, and D.I. was kinda like die, you know, like 'do or die!'

MOLLY HOOPER

Or Princess Di! 

She giggles, then quickly schools her features when she sees LESTRADE's mortification.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean...it's just, that's pretty funny. 

D.I. LESTRADE

(cracking a smile)

Yeah, I suppose it is.

MOLLY HOOPER

So, what's your real name?

LESTRADE looks down at his feet.

D.I. LESTRADE

Greg. Gregory George Lestrade is the whole of it.

MOLLY HOOPER

G.G.? Oh god, no wonder you didn't want to go with that!

She giggles again, but stops when she notices that LESTRADE's gaze is still fixed on his feet.

MOLLY HOOPER (CONT'D)

Greg...that's a really nice name. Suits you.

LESTRADE slowly meets her eyes, brows raised and face achingly hopeful.

GREG LESTRADE

Does it?

MOLLY lifts her hand to his face and runs her thumb over his cheek.

MOLLY HOOPER

Yeah, it does. 

(quietly, fondly)

Greg.

They move towards one another as through drawn together by magnetic pull, until their foreheads touch. They sway, staring into each other's eyes as the camera pulls back and the music swells.

CROSS DISSOLVE TO: 

EXT. BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL REAR ENTRY, SATURDAY NIGHT.

JOHN races outside. The music from the dance wafts out from the gymnasium, audible, though slightly muffled. SHERLOCK is already a few yards from the entry, heading away at a brisk pace.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock!

SHERLOCK ignores him, pretending not to hear. JOHN runs after him.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Please Sherlock, wait!

SHERLOCK stops, but doesn't turn. JOHN catches up, a couple steps behind.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

(panting)

Where are you going?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Home.

JOHN WATSON

But we just got here. Who leaves prom this early? You didn't even dance!

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Not in the mood.

He starts to take another step away from JOHN.

JOHN WATSON

Wait! I have something for you.

SHERLOCK hesitates, then slowly turns to face JOHN. JOHN takes a deep breath, reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a cassette tape. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

You left this at my house last Saturday night.

SHERLOCK's eyes go wide, and he takes a step towards JOHN, clearly desperate to reclaim it. JOHN looks down at the tape, turning it over in his hands.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

When I took it out of the tape player, I was a little surprised to see my name on the label. 

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John...

JOHN WATSON

At first I thought maybe it was a mix tape you made for me, songs you thought I might like, I dunno. So I popped it back in to listen to the rest.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, I—

JOHN WATSON

But the rest of the tape was just that same song, except the violins were playing each part separately, one at a time. Over and over, different speeds and variations, just one violin playing the two parts.

He holds up the tape and looks at SHERLOCK.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

I realized it wasn't the name of the mix; it was the name of the song.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

John, I can explain—

JOHN WATSON

You wrote a song for me.

There's a long beat where neither of them move. Finally, SHERLOCK gives a tiny nod. JOHN steps forward and holds out the cassette. SHERLOCK takes it from him, hands shaking, and stuffs it into his pocket. JOHN leaves his hand extended, palm up.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock Holmes, may I have this dance?

SHERLOCK stares at his outstretched arm, utterly frozen except for a few stunned blinks.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

(with a head tilt toward the building)

I know it's not quite waltz music, but I think we can make do.

Slowly, SHERLOCK raises his hand to meet JOHN's, and when they touch, a shiver runs through his whole body, leaving him wobbly. JOHN tightens his grip and pulls him closer, steadying him with an arm around his waist.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

That's it. **One** -two-three, **one** -two-three.

He starts to lead SHERLOCK in a tight box, SHERLOCK finding his feet again as JOHN counts out the rhythm.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

See? Not so bad.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(barely a whisper)

No.

JOHN WATSON

Luckily I had a brilliant teacher.

SHERLOCK gives him a small trembling smile. 

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

Speaking of teachers, did I tell you I chose a school?

SHERLOCK shakes his head.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

(beaming up at him)

A community college — gonna try for a transfer scholarship. Told my dad this morning. He wasn't happy that I'm not enlisting right away, but he's pacified for the time being, since if it doesn't pan out, I'll be right by Moffett Field Naval Base.

SHERLOCK stops dead on the spot, tripping JOHN up a bit as he's suddenly brought to a halt.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

That's in...I mean, it's next to...

His face is full of cautious hope; too afraid to let himself believe it to give it voice.

JOHN WATSON

I'll be at De Anza College in the fall.

He brings his hand up to gently cup SHERLOCK's cheek.

JOHN WATSON (CONT'D)

So I can be near you.

SHERLOCK's features go soft with wonder. JOHN slides his hand around the back of SHERLOCK's neck and gives a gentle tug. He tips his face up as he brings SHERLOCK's down to meet his. SHERLOCK's eyes are wide and his lips are parted, but when JOHN's lips brush against his open mouth, his eyelids flutter shut. Whistles and cheers come from the canned studio audience as SHERLOCK's lips tentatively find JOHN's. The kiss is soft, sweet, and brief. JOHN pulls back to look into SHERLOCK's eyes.

JOHN WATSON

Is this okay?

SHERLOCK HOLMES

Yes, it's just... I never thought you would want this. With me.

JOHN WATSON

Sherlock, it's always been you.

SHERLOCK breaks into a genuine smile, and then he's leaning back in and kissing JOHN for real, with unrestrained passion, as the audience erupts into catcalls and raucous applause. The camera pulls back and pans up, and the background music becomes clearer:

 

_All the promises we break_

_From the cradle to the grave_

_When all I want is you_

The camera settles on the night sky, full of stars and a silvery moon.

OVERLAY TEXT: _The End_

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL CREDITS.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For your listening pleasure: [Let's Dance by David Bowie](https://youtu.be/N4d7Wp9kKjA) and [All I Want Is You by U2](https://youtu.be/1XYgFJjw428). Yeah, these songs wouldn't last the length of these scenes, but maybe the DJ had special mega-mixes? Suspension of disbelief!
> 
> Headcanon wrap-up: When I found Moffett Federal Airfield was right next to Stanford, I knew I had to incorporate it somehow! At its peak in the 1990s, Naval Air Station Moffett Field was the U.S. Navy's principal Pacific Fleet base for the P-3C operations. However on July 1 1994, NAS Moffett Field was closed as a naval air station and turned over to the NASA Ames Research Center (and now it's owned by Google!) - so John's dad let up on the pressure after that. *^_^* By then, John had secured a full scholarship to Stanford, after two stellar years working his butt off at the nearby De Anza Community College. After undergrad, Sherlock stayed on at Stanford research labs while John went on to Stanford Medical School... and they all lived happily ever after!
> 
> Thank you so much for joining me on this silly trip back through 80s/90s nostalgia. This is by far the longest thing I have ever written, and it's been a delight to share it with you.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://iamjohnlocked4life.tumblr.com/) ~ Please say hi, I love to chat!


End file.
